Title: Sex
Authors: Frogmella Fiasco and Angela Basterd
Rating: NC-17 (mwuh-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaa!)
Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Young Ones, or any band members
that might crop up for any reason (although damn, we wish we did!)
Archive: Take it if you want it. Just tell us where it is :-)

Acknowledgements: Copious amounts of thanks to our beta reader ...
for putting up with us and saying lots of lovely (and useful)
things :-)
We'd also like to thank Rik and Ade for being so damn cute (and
lovely and cuddly and cool and crazy), and for Rik saying they have a
husband/wife relationship on the making of Guest House Paradiso
(Rik's the girl!). Also great thanks go to Rik, Ben Elton and Lise
Mayer for writing the Young Ones too. We'd like to thank each other
for keeping ourselves awake enough to write this (and indeed for
being deranged enough to attempt it in the first place). Finally,
many thanks to the voucher fairy for allowing us to buy videos (lots
and *lots* of videos!).

Anti-acknowledgements: We want to send out a huge `grrr!' to Barbara
Mayall and Jennifer Saunders for being married to two of the most
brilliant blokes in existence (although Angela quite fancies Jennifer
Saunders as well. And Suggs).

Sex

by Frogmella Fiasco and Angela Basterd

"Oh no!" Rick yelled, an expression of distraught horror on his face.

"What?!" the other three exclaimed.

"We forgot the canapés!"

"The what?" Mike stared at him in confusion.

"What's a canapé?"

"You know, Neil, the canapés!"

"Heavy."

"I found this peanut." Vyvyan held said object up for inspection, not
taking his eyes from the TV. "It's a bit hairy, but then I suppose
that's what you get from being down the back of the sofa for a few
weeks."

"Vyv, that's brilliant! You're a genius!" Rick hastily grabbed the
peanut and carefully placed it in the centre of a bowl. "Right,
there."

There was a long silence as they all stared at the nut - well, all
except for Vyv, whose gaze was still firmly fixed on the glowing
screen.

"Rick?" Mike enquired calmly.

"What?"

"There's only one peanut."

Rick jumped to his feet. "My god, you're right!"

Neil looked up as his friend rushed into the kitchen. "You *had* to
spoil it, didn't you?" Mike merely shrugged.

There were sounds of desperate searching emanating from the kitchen.
Many were loud and destructive, and suggested that the search was a
very thorough one indeed. Rick emerged a few seconds later, a half-
empty box of Cornflakes clutched in his hand.

"This'll have to do," he sighed, tipping them out onto the carpet and
neatly arranging them in a fan pattern around the peanut. "After all,
there wasn't anything else."

"Oh, for god's sake, Rick. You know nobody's going to bother eating
anything anyway, let alone your manky old Cornflakes. So why don't
you sit down and watch the telly and shut your face for a bit, hmm?"

"Oh, you're right, I suppose. After all, it's a party. You're
supposed to relax and enjoy yourself." He perched upon the edge of
the sofa, as tense as a porcupine on its wedding night.

"Right, that's better." Quiet sounds from the television filled the
room until Vyv stretched, yawning noisily and glancing around. "I'm
famished. Is there anything to eat?"

"Um, there's this peanut." Neil passed him the bowl.

"Ah, thanks, Neil." He popped the peanut into his mouth, munching on
it appreciatively. "Mmm, a bit hairy, but still pretty good."

Rick stared in horror at the empty spot that the peanut had occupied
only moments before. "You ate my peanut! Vyvyan, how *could* you! You
*know* how much that peanut meant to me!"

"What do you mean? It wasn't *your* peanut. I found it in the first
place."

"Well... well... that's not the point!" Rick fumed. "You *know* I
needed that peanut!"

Vyv sized up the situation and, after a second of contemplation,
punched Rick squarely in the jaw. He collapsed backwards, falling
over the sofa and landing on the carpet with a faint squish.

The others stared at the television for a while. Eventually, Mike
broke the semi-silence with the most logical question of the
week. "What's on?"

"Dunno."

"Hm." He rose to his feet. "Mike The Cool Person, will now leave to
find a cool place in which to be cool." He picked up a hat from the
back of his chair, and perched it jauntily on his head.

"Bye, Mike," Neil said, absently, not taking his eyes off the screen,
which was showing the standard BBC test signal.

"All right," said Mike, stepping out the door, "Mike The Cool Person
has left the building."

"Give her one for me, Michael," Vyvyan called after him.

***
As Mike stepped onto the road, a strange man in sunglasses with a
microphone jumped at him from the bushes and yelled, "Hey you! Don't
watch that! Watch this!" Mike ignored the stranger as a saxophonist
joined him. They continued to follow him down the street, ranting
something about rock bands and heat. The saxophonist kept treading on
Mike's feet, but he managed to lose them in the post office.

***
Vyv and Neil stared at the television for a while longer. Rick
abruptly sat up, and looked around him in confusion.

"What's going on? What are you doing? Where's Mike? Why am I on the
floor? And what the bloody *hell* am I lying in?"

"Dunno," Neil told him, without looking around.

"Never mind, Rick," Vyvyan said. "You've got your lovely party to
look forward to."

Rick leapt to his feet.

"The party! The guests'll be arriving… and you let me sleep! You just
don't care, do you? My happiness doesn't matter at all to you, does
it? I suppose you'd both like me to go off and die in a ditch
somewhere, wouldn't you?"

Vyv turned to face him. "Well, now that you mention it…"

"…And then all the guests will come to have a wonderful time at *my*
party, and I'll be *dead* and *then* they'll turn on *you* for
ruining everything and *then* you'll both be sorry…"

"SHUT UP!" Vyvyan screamed at him. Rick cowered briefly, then pulled
himself up into an `I'm not scared by you at all, you silly person'
pose.

"Oh, for Cliff's sake, Vyvyan, I don't have time to argue with you
now. I have to prepare…"

"I'm sorry, Rick. Here, have some cider. After all, you wouldn't want
us to drink it all while you're busy with the party, would you…"

Rick glared at him. "You're right. That's just the kind of thing you
*would* do, isn't it?" He snatched the bottle from Vyv's outstretched
hand and took a generous swig, before coughing a lot of it over
Neil's head. Vyv smirked.

"Aw, Rick, I only just had a bath! Now I'll stick to things… Wow,
that's really heavy, man…" He got forlornly to his feet, and swiped
at himself.

"Ah, sit down, Neil," Vyv said. "We all stick to things anyway,
remember?"

"Oh, okay…" He fell back onto the sofa.

Rick stared into space with a huge smile on his face. "Hey, guys…" He
looked around in confusion. "Guys…? It's all gone blurry…" He flopped
onto the couch next to Neil.

Vyv grinned at him. "Thought that'd do it."

Rick grinned happily around, then fixed his eyes on Neil. The grin
turned into a leer. "You know… your hair looks really pretty when
it's wet…"

Neil looked worried. "Uh, thanks, Rick."

"What's your name, then?"

"Neil."

He looked confused. "That's a strange name for a girl, isn't it? Is
it short for something?"

"No… Don't you remember me, Rick? Not that there's any reason why you
should. I mean, I only do all the cooking and cleaning around here.
Not that it matters, because I'll probably be dead soon anyway…"

He broke off as Rick slid his hand up his shirt.

"Vyvyan… Help… I think he's trying to take advantage of me…!"

"Okay." Vyv rose and went into the kitchen.

"I'd never take advantage of such a pretty little thing," Rick said,
grinning and twirling a strand of Neil's hair between his
fingers. "Do you want to see my collection of Cliff Richard
memorabilia? It's up in my room…"

"Vyvyan…!"

Vyv reappeared, carrying the kitchen sink, a few twisted pipes still
protruding from the back. With a resounding crunch it connected with
the back of Rick's head, and he collapsed back to the floor.

"Oh, thank you, Vyvyan…" Neil began to gush, emerging from the corner
of the couch where he had attempted to take refuge, but he was
silenced as the sink made contact with his head as well. He fell
backward to slump over the couch. Vyv dropped the sink, proudly
surveying his handiwork, before sitting down in the armchair and
settling back to watch the telly.

***
Vyvyan watched absently as the television floated away across the
lounge. "Well," he said to no-one in particular, "you don't see that
every day."

Behind the couch, there was a sudden eruption of water. Rick leapt to
his feet, and desperately heaved in lungfulls of air. "Vyvyan! What
the hell have you done now!? The carpet's soaking! What are all the
guests going to think? And you've let me sleep again! Why can't you
have some consideration for other people for once in your life?!"

"Rick, nobody is coming to your poxy little party because nobody
likes you. And the carpet is a bit more than wet. Now go and catch
the telly before it gets away."

"What!? You let the television escape as well?"

"Yes," he explained patiently, "now catch it before it disappears
into Mike's room or something."

"I will not! Vyvyan Basterd, you let the television get away, so you
can bloody well catch it yourself! It's time you leant some
responsibility, young man…"

Vyv rose his feet, and walked slowly towards Rick, who started subtly
backing away. "Honestly," he said, "if you want something done around
here you have to do it yourself…" He punched Rick in the face, and
started following the telly.

Rick staggered forward, clutching at his bleeding nose. He looked at
Vyv with a murderous glint in his eyes. With an enraged shriek, he
leapt at him.

"Oh, man… bad vibes…" Neil moaned, finally regaining consciousness.
He looked around at the flooded room and his two flatmates locked in
mortal combat. "I was right… Heavy…" He scrambled to his feet and
headed for the kitchen.

***
Rick had his arms locked around Vyv's throat, and was holding on to
his hair. Vyv tried to dislodge him by running headfirst into the
wall. Eventually Rick screamed in distress, and let go. Vyv started
kicking him repeatedly in the ribs, but was briefly distracted by the
pained cry of "oh nooo…" from the kitchen. Rick took advantage of his
distraction and sank his teeth into Vyv's thigh.

Vyv howled in pain, picked up a length of discarded pipe from the
demolished sink, and flailed it wildly in the general direction of
his lower body. Rick was smacked in the side of the jaw, and fell
backwards with a large splash.

***
Neil gazed at the spouting water pipe in mild panic. "Oh, no… This is
bad, man… He looked around in hope of inspiration, and found a small
plastic bowl. He carefully balanced it over the broken pipe and it
was propelled briefly into the air, before floating off in the
direction of the living room.

Neil sighed. "This is really bad… and I bet I have to clear
everything up afterwards… they'll probably say it was my fault, too…"
He waded back into the living room, where Vyvyan and Rick were still
trying to kill each other.

"Hey, guys… We're all going to drown…"

"Oh, well, that's just *lovely*, Neil," Rick shouted. "Like we don't
have enough problems already. I suppose you'd like us to bring about
world peace while we're – urk!" Vyv grabbed him by the throat and
forced his head under water.

"That's okay, then. I'll just go and build a raft while you two get
on with it…" He went back into the kitchen, and began levering over
the kitchen table.

***
Still submerged, Rick grabbed Vyv's ankles and yanked desperately at
them. He didn't manage to topple his opponent as he'd intended, and
was thrown slightly off balance. Rick struggled to the surface and
gratefully gasped for breath. His respite was brief, however, as
Vyvyan kicked him in the stomach and sent him back under the water.

***
Neil sat patiently in the middle of his makeshift raft, carefully
piling the salvaged tins of lentils in one corner. Using the moth-
eaten mop he had managed to retrieve from one of the sunken cupboards
he tried unsuccessfully to paddle to the living room.

Suddenly a very wet and scared Rick splashed his way over and
attempted to take refuge on the raft. Vyv, the cause of his terror,
was hot on his heels and wielding another pipe.

"Guys, you can't both come on the raft – you'll sink it."

Vyvyan put his head on one side, considering. "Okay then." He dropped
the pipe, grabbed Neil, and dragged him into the water.

Neil staggered to his feet, now soaking wet from head to foot. "Fine.
I was going to bed anyway…" With that he turned and stomped his way
to the stairs.

Vyv climbed onto the raft, knocking off several cans of lentils in
the process. Rick snatched one and held it menacingly in his hand,
only to be ignored. He made various intimidating gestures with it.
Vyv continued to ignore him. Annoyed, Rick dropped the lentil can
overboard and began to sulk.

Vyvyan was trying absently to gnaw through the table leg. Rick, now
completely bored, stared at him and sighed meaningfully.

"What?" Vyv snapped, glancing up from his latest project of
destruction.

"Oh, nothing…" Rick sighed again.

"Oh, okay then." Vyv shrugged and went back to what he was doing.

"It's just that… Oh, I don't know…"

"No bloody surprise there, then. Now shut up. I'm trying to
concentrate."

"But, I mean, what if the whole world's flooded, and we're the only
survivors?"

"It'll be a bloody boring world then, won't it?"

"… And we'll have to sail away to find a new world, and rebuild the
human race…"

"No, we won't. We'd need a woman for that."

"Oh damn, you're right. Maybe some birds will have built a raft, and
we'll find them, and then they'll all want to sleep with me!"

Vyv considered this for a moment. "Nah, don't think so."

"But they'll have to! To re-people the world!"

"Not with you they won't."

"And *why* not?" Rick enquired prissily, putting his hands on his
hips.

"'Cos I'd kill you and eat you first."

"Vyvyan! That's horrible."

"I know."

They fell into silence. Vyv returned to gnawing the table leg. After
a few minutes, Rick sighed deeply and dejectedly in an attempt to get
attention.

"I wonder if I'll miss anyone when they're all gone? I wonder if
anyone'd miss me?"

"I wouldn't."

Rick chose to ignore him. "Hey! All the pigs would be gone, and the
kids would roam free."

"The kids would be gone as well though."

"Do you *have* to be so negative, Vyvyan?!"

"Well, look on the bright side. All the birds who'd refuse to sleep
with you would be gone too. Which would pretty much wipe out the
entire female population, but -"

Rick bridled at this. "I am *not* a virgin! Just because you feel
sexually inadequate, *Vyvyan*, doesn't mean you have to take it out
on the rest of us!"

Vyv shrugged. "Whatever you want, mate."

"Well, well -" Rick spluttered. He paused. "Oh my god! Cliff Richard
would be dead!"

"Hoo-fucking-ray."

"Vyvyan, how could you *say* that?! How could you even *think* that?!
I – I- " He stopped, lost for words. "I'm not saying another word to
you until you apologise!"

Vyvyan considered the options, and punched Rick in the mid-section,
sending him sprawling backwards and almost overturning the raft in
the process. Rick scrambled desperately for purchase, trying to
stabilise the table.

"Look what you nearly did! You almost killed us! I can't die yet – I
have too much to do! Too much I haven't accomplished."

"Like losing your virginity."

A wistful look alighted on his face. "Oh, yeah… I mean no!"

"Aha!" Vyv exclaimed triumphantly.

Rick scowled at him and turned his back. Another long silence
followed, before Rick broke it once again.

"Vyv?"

"What?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"No."

"What's it like?"

"What's what like?"

"You know… um… er…" He made an obscene gesture with his hands. Vyv
stared at him blankly. "You *know*… It!"

"What, sex?"

Rick sighed in exasperation. "Yes!"

"How am I supposed to know?"

"What, you mean… you haven't?"

"No."

"Oh." He paused then began chanting softly, under his
breath. "Vyvyan's a virgin, Vyvyan's a virgin…"

"So?"

Another silence. Rick stared into space, then sighed despondently. "I
always wanted to… but nobody would ever let me."

"Well… that's probably `cos you're quite disgusting, mate."

"But I have so much to offer… I have such a sensitive, caring nature.
I'm a nice person. And all I wanted was a quick shag. Is that really
so much to ask?"

"Oh god, alright then." Vyvyan dragged him forward and leaned in to
kiss him.

Rick struggled desperately, trying to pull away. "What on earth do
you think you're doing?!"

"Well, you said you wanted a shag."

"With a *girl*!"

"Well, all the girls are dead. We're the last people on earth,
remember?"

"That doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you!" Rick, now completely
panicked, tried to leap off the raft. "And I'm sure we're not the
last people on earth! I'm going to find some more people – preferably
girls!"

Vyvyan grabbed him by the feet and hauled him back on board. "Don't
be stupid, Rick, you'll never make it. Besides, it's not so bad…"

"Really? How could it be worse?!"

"Well… you could be stuck here with Neil."

"Oh, you're right, actually."

"Although… you seemed to quite like him earlier." Vyv smirked.

"What?! What are you talking about?!"

"Now, you really shouldn't drink cider, Rick. You know you can't
handle it."

"Vyvyan, what the hell did I do?"

He casually draped an arm around Rick's shoulders. "Well, you started
off by saying `Your hair's really pretty when it's wet'."

Rick smiled stupidly at him. "Really?" He shook his head to snap out
of it. "I mean, I did?"

"Yeah. And *then* you did this." He slipped his hand up underneath
Rick's shirt.

"I did?" Rick squeaked, looking scared.

"Yep." His other hand went to Rick's collar and started undoing the
buttons, and he leant forward again for a kiss.

"I did that too?" Rick asked, moving backwards nervously, his eyes
locked with Vyvyan's.

"Nah, not really. That was my idea. Now shut up, I'm trying to kiss
you."

Vyvyan? You're not trying to take advantage of me, are you?"

"Course I'm not." He finished with the front of Rick's shirt, and
pushed it open.

Rick smiled, weakly. "Oh. That's alright, then… Just as long as
you're not -" He was cut off, as Vyv's mouth closed over his. He gave
a muffled `mph' of protest, which was thoroughly ignored. In a last-
ditch effort to convince Vyvyan that he knew what he was doing, he
stabbed his tongue blindly forward.

Vyvyan pulled away. "Do you bloody mind? I've had my tonsils out
already."

"I… er…" He would have attempted an apology, had he been given the
opportunity. Vyv flicked his tongue delicately over his lips, and
Rick gasped at the bizarre sensation, grabbing Vyv's upper arms and
pulling him closer.

Vyv grinned, smugly. "Thought you'd like that."

"What, you mean you've *thought* about this?!"

"*Thought* I told you to shut up…"

He carefully thrust his tongue into Rick's mouth this time, lapping
at the roof of his mouth. Rick squealed and twisted away. "Oh, don't,
that feels really… what the hell's wrong with your tongue…?"

Bemused, Vyv stuck his tongue out and attempted to squint down at it.
Rick stared at the silver stud, fascinated.

"Doesn't that hurt?"

"Dth ot urt?"

"That!"

Vyv tried to look at his own tongue again. "Er sthd?"

"What?"

He finally put his tongue back. "I said, are you talking about the
tongue stud?"

"Yes! What else do you think I'd be talking about?"

"Well, of course it hurt. What'd be the point if it didn't hurt? But
it's healed up now. Any other questions, or shall we get on with it?
God, no wonder nobody'd ever sleep with you, you'd have bored them
all to death first."

Rick clutched the edges of his shirt together defensively. "That's a
very hurtful thing to say…"

Vyv sighed. "Look, what is wrong with the tongue stud?"

"Well… it's a bit… I mean…"

His train of thought was permanently derailed as Vyv leaned in and
started to gently lick his neck and throat. Rick's arms came up
almost involuntarily and wound around Vyvyan's waist. He moaned
quietly, then went red when he realised that he had done so.

"Still objecting?"

"Nahhgggg…"

"Good."

He kissed him again, this time avoiding the more sensitive areas,
concentrating instead on encouraging Rick to start making his own
explorations. And he did, moving his tongue forward slowly to lick
over the flat of Vyvyan's, but avoiding the small metal protrusion.

Without breaking the kiss, Vyv tried to pull Rick's shirt the rest of
the way off, but it was made a little difficult when Rick didn't
release his shoulders. Eventually he reached up, dug his fingertips
into the hollows of Rick's wrists, and prised his hands loose.

Rick pulled away with a hurt look, and clutched his hands against his
chest. "What did you do that for?"

"Sorry. You should have moved."

"Moved what?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake… Let's do the whole clothes-taking-off thing
now. We don't want to piss about with them and overbalance the raft."

Rick shuffled backwards. "Look… I'm really not so sure this is a good
idea."

"Course it's a bloody good idea. You don't want to die a virgin, do
you?"

"No… But…"

"Then *what*?" Vyv folded his arms, and scowled.

Rick went bright red and stared at his own nervously twisting
fingers. "You're… I don't want… Can we just…" He looked up at him, a
pleading expression on his face. "Can we just do that for a while?"

Vyv blinked in surprise. "Uh… okay. If you want."

Rick held out his arms, and Vyv leaned back in. For a while they sat,
bodies awkwardly twisted on the softly rocking raft, until Vyv broke
off and pushed firmly on Rick's shoulders, urging him to lie flat on
his back. He didn't object, and Vyv straddled his waist, taking most
of his weight on his hands and knees.

The angle was now a lot easier, but Rick's earlier over-sensitivity
didn't make a reappearance. In fact, he seemed to be genuinely
enjoying the sensations, kissing back enthusiastically, his hands
stroking up and down Vyv's back.

As his feet were beginning to go to sleep anyway, Vyv decided now
might be a good time to do something about the position he had ended
up in. Unfolding his legs so he could lie flat, he carefully lowered
himself until he was snug against Rick's body. To his surprise, the
manoeuvre was met with a pleased moan, and a sharp thrust upwards. He
was faintly impressed at the size of the erection being rubbed
against his crotch, and encouraged the instinctive movement with an
answering thrust.

At this, Rick cried out and his grip on Vyv's shoulders tightened. He
opened his eyes, and found himself gazing straight into Vyvyan's. His
housemate was grinning at him. After a seconds hesitation, he grinned
back. They both leaned forward at the same moment, and the kiss was
harder than either had anticipated. Vyv pulled back, moving his hips
slowly against Rick's, then nipped gently at his exposed collarbone.

"Hey…" Rick began, his voice breathless and a little unsure.

Vyv licked at the place where his teeth had been, then nosed the
shirt aside and licked a path down to a tiny pink nipple. Rick arched
upward at the unexpected sensation of Vyv's tongue stud. Vyv slid
further down, the firm jut of Rick's erection pressing into his
stomach. He stroked his fingertips over the soft skin of his smooth
chest, and Rick giggled, swatting at his hands.

"You're not supposed to be *tickling* me…"

"Don't see why not…" Vyv replied, pushing his hands under Rick's
shirt and running them down his sensitive sides. Rick started
laughing madly, trying to beat Vyv off and squirm away from his hands
at the same time. The raft dipped and a wave of water rushed over the
surface, suddenly splashing them both in cold wetness.

Rick yelped and tried to sit up, but Vyv's body blocked his path. He
shoved him unceremoniously back down. "Rick, are you trying to drown
us?"

"Why, yes, of course I am, Vyvyan. Idiot."

Vyvyan sat up and shuffled back. "Well, fine, if that's how you feel…"

Pause.

Rick shuffled forward. "I'm sorry…" he crawled into Vyv's lap and
kissed him placatingly. Vyv smirked at him, wrapped his arms around
him, and lowered him back down to the table. Rick narrowed his eyes
at him. "I'm all wet now…"

Vyv smirked again. "Really?"

"Shut up. You know what I meant."

"It's your own fault. Don't know what you're complaining at me for."

"It was *not* my fault, Vyvyan."

"Take your clothes off if they're wet."

He blushed. "…you first."

Vyv shrugged. "Okay." He pulled off his boots and flung them into the
living room. One hit the hamster cage while the other went through a
front window. His jacket and T-shirt soon followed suit, but they
were simply draped over a table leg.

Rick stared wordlessly.

"Rick?" Vyv waved a hand before his face. "Hello?"

"You… you scare me."

"Don't tell me…" He tweaked at the tiny silver ring that was fixed in
his left nipple. Rick winced.

"I don't know how you can…"

Vyv took his hand and pressed it to his chest, guiding the fingertips
over the mutilated nipple. "Ah, fuck, yeah…"

"But… Why doesn't it hurt?"

"Cos I got it done when I was fifteen. It's healed. And don't stop…"

Rick sat up, shrugging off his shirt in the process, and put both
palms flat on Vyvyan's chest, leaning forward for another kiss. He
trailed his hands uncertainly over Vyv's whole torso, finding the
sensation of warm skin under his fingers unexpectedly pleasing. He
was distracted, however, when Vyv's hands found his belt buckle. But
by the time he'd decided that he really did want to object and make
Vyv stick to his promise to get undressed first, his trousers were
pooled around his knees.

Vyv gave him a quizzical look.

"I… need to do some laundry…" he explained, feeling his face flush
red yet again.

"That's okay," Vyv told him, grinning widely. "I don't mind."

He sat back to disentangle his feet. "What about you?"

Vyv's jeans proved to be something more of a problem, and in the
resulting struggle he managed to `accidentally' kick both of Rick's
shoes over the edge of the raft. Rick pretended not to notice,
instead concentrating on relieving Vyv of his underwear. When the
light blue Y-fronts had been confiscated, they joined the shoes in
the deep.

"Oi," Vyv said, looking affronted. "They were practically clean."

"Well, they're even cleaner now, aren't they?" Rick said smugly.

Vyv tickled him again. He shrieked, and wrestled Vyv's hands away,
ending with all four of their hands in the air between them. They
kissed again, neither wanting to be the first to let go. Eventually
Vyv relented, and Rick promptly jumped on him. The raft dipped again,
and a small wave washed around them. They jumped into each other's
arms.

"Vyv?"

"Yes, Rick?"

"Let's not rock the raft any more."

"Pity, I was quite looking forward to rocking the raft." He smirked.

Rick blushed. "You know what I mean. It's too cold."

Vyv slipped his hands over his arse, and pulled him up onto his
lap. "Feel a little more secure now?"

He wriggled, and Vyv moaned. "Oh, sorry…"

"No, no, that's fine. Really…"

But Rick climbed down anyway.

"Rick…"

He lay back, holding his hands out to Vyv, who grinned with sudden
inspiration and straddled Rick's right thigh.

Rick looked up nervously. "What're you…"

"Shut up, Rick."

He stroked down the inside of the thigh he could reach, then around
his hips, then down over his lower belly.

"Oh, bloody hell…"

"I told you to shut up."

"Vyyyyv…"

He closed his fingers around Rick's penis, cutting off the whine.

"…oh…"

Vyv could feel the heartbeat as he tightened his grip slowly. Rick's
hand groped blindly downwards, and he squeezed it quickly, then
shooed it back upwards.

Bending forwards, he ran his tongue lightly around the head,
transferred his grip upwards, then began to lick at the base. When
the whole shaft was sufficiently lubricated, he wrapped his hand
completely around, and began to slide it slowly up and down. Rick's
hand drifted downwards again, and this time Vyv took it with his free
one.

It didn't take long for the saliva to dry, and Rick swiped Vyv's hand
away. "Owww, Vyyyv…"

"Oh, for *fuck's* sake.…"

"What?!" He planted his hands on his hips. "It hurt…"

"You're such a girl."

Rick looked pointedly down at his weeping erection. "I'm bloody not,
you know."

"Fine." Vyv shuffled downwards.

"What are you doing?" Rick craned anxiously. "Vyvyan? Vyv-urk!"

Vyvyan swirled his tongue firmly around the shaft, and Rick squawked.
He disengaged briefly to ask, "is that better?"

"…ohmygod…"

"What, don't you like it? I'll stop, then." He began to shuffle
upwards again.

"No!" Rick shoved him back downwards. Vyv smirked.

"Well, if you absolutely insist…"

He sucked the whole length into his mouth, and pushed his tongue
against the sensitive underside. This time, Rick howled.

A voice floated down from above, the water-filled room making the
echoes sound strange and unfamiliar. "Guys… Could you keep it down,
please?"

"That's what I'm trying to do, Neil!" Vyv yelled back.

Rick gave him a mortified grimace. "Shut the hell up," he hissed.

"Shut up yourself," he retorted, flicking his tongue out and making
sure the stud scraped across the slit. Rick did as he was told.

Vyv ran a hand across Rick's thigh, then clamped it hard over his
balls, while scrubbing his tongue over the ridge. Rick wrapped his
legs around Vyv's neck, arching his back as he came. Vyv pulled back
and swallowed, then waited patiently for Rick to let him go. When
Rick finally flopped backwards, eyes closed and chest heaving, Vyv
pulled himself upright, and stretched briefly. He knelt between
Rick's spread legs.

"Right," he said, happily. "My turn."

Rick's eyes snapped open. "What?"

"Don't be so selfish, Rick. Budge up."

He curled up. "No!"

"*Oh*, for…" Vyv sat back on his heels and surveyed the flooded
kitchen. Rick uncurled slightly.

"What are you looking for?"

Vyv jumped off the raft and waded towards the sink. "I know there's
still some olive oil left. I refilled my lighter with it yesterday."

"…what do you want that for…?"

"Cos if I stuck it up you dry, you'd scream the bloody roof in. You
can't see it, can you?"

"Vyvyan, you're not talking about what I think you're talking about,
are you? Because if you are, I want no part in it."

"I'm going to be the one with a part in it, you idiot. Now can you
see the oil or not?"

Rick brayed blatantly false laughter. "Very funny, Vyvyan, I suppose
you thought you had me fooled, didn't you? I suppose you thought I'd
fall for that like a little spasmo, huh?" Pause. "Didn't you?"
Pause. "Vyvyan?"

"Found it!" The bottle flew through the air and struck Rick on the
top of the head.

"Ow! Vyvyan, you bastard, that really hurt!"

Vyv splashed enthusiastically back to the raft and scrambled up.

"Look, Vyv, you *were* joking, weren't you?"

"Bloody well hope not." He bit the top off the oil bottle and spat it
over the side. "Come here, then."

Rick wrapped his arms around himself tighter. "Look… I'm not so sure
about this…"

"Really? Why not?"

"I just… don't want to, alright?"

"God, you really are a girl, aren't you?"

"Stop saying that! And if you equate not wanting to be fucked by you
with being a girl, well… well I think you have your metaphors mixed
up!"

Vyvyan regarded him in silence for a few seconds, then decided
against even trying to answer that. Instead he propped the mutilated
oil bottle against a table leg, grabbed Rick by the shoulders and
dragged him forwards into his arms.

"Oh, don't think you're going to get round me like that," Rick
snapped, trying to fold his arms and failing miserably.

"Shut up, Rick." He shifted one hand to the back of Rick's head and
kissed him. It only took a few seconds for Rick to relax and begin to
kiss back.

Vyvyan carefully pushed his chin upwards, and began to nuzzle at the
sensitive skin of his throat. Rick giggled and clutched at his
shoulders. By moving down over his chest, Vyv began to lower him back
down flat on the raft. Rick went without protesting, and lay
passively underneath him, until Vyv propped himself up on his hands,
breaking the contact.

"Roll over, then."

"What? No!"

Vyv rolled his eyes. "What's the bloody matter now?"

Rick pouted. "If you want to do this, you're going to look at me." He
wrapped his legs around Vyv's waist in an attempt to prove he was
serious.

"Why would I… Oh, never mind. Alright, then."

Rick's pout turned anxious. "You mean you still… You really want… I
didn't mean it!"

"Yes, you did." He grabbed the oil bottle and poured a little out
onto his hands.

"*Vyvyaaaannn*…"

"What?!"

"I… oh, nothing…"

"Good." He reached down between them, shoving Rick's legs firmly
apart, and pushed one slick finger gingerly up inside him. Rick
fastened his teeth into his lower lip and turned huge, frightened
eyes up to Vyvyan, who grinned unnervingly back at him, and added
another finger.

Rick started crying.

"Oh, for… *What*?!"

"I'm scared!" He went bright red, and sobbed, pitifully.

Vyv heaved a deep sigh, eased his fingers out, and gently hugged him,
running his hands over his hair, making it slightly greasier. Rick
sniffled into his shoulder, returning the hug. Vyv carried on
stroking his hair until he stopped crying.

"Have you finished now?"

Rick nodded.

"Good."

He ran his hand down Rick's stomach, squeezed briefly at his spent
cock, and slipped his hand back between his legs. Rick squeaked, but
lifted his hips and wriggled into a slightly more comfortable
position. Encouraged, Vyvyan hastily reoiled his hand and pushed two
fingers inside.

"Vyvyan… Not so hard, it hurts…"

"Well, what did you expect?" He moved his fingers slowly, and Rick
whimpered. He stopped, and Rick shoved back slightly. "So, you *like*
it now?"

"Are you going to get on with it or not?"

Vyv shrugged. "Okay."

Rick gasped and tried to force himself to relax as he felt a third
finger join the first two. "Vyv… How many more were you planning on?"

"Oh. Getting a bit impatient, are we?"

"Just bloody well get on with it…"

"You've got no sense of romance, you haven't."

Rick's eyes lit up. Then he scowled. "You're taking the piss, aren't
you?"

Vyv grinned at him. "Yeah."

"Well, please don't."

"Okay." He twisted his fingers slowly, parting them, stretching the
muscles, then slid them out. Rick looked up, nervously.

"Look, are you completely oh bloody hell…"

"That okay, then?"

"Mmeeargggh…"

Vyv decided to take that as a positive comment, since Rick wasn't
actually fighting him off, and eased in a little further. The walls
of strong muscle surrounding him abruptly clenched down, and he
stopped, running his hands down over Rick's chest and stomach until
he relaxed a little. He shoved his hips back against Vyv, then
squeezed fitfully.

"Make up your mind," Vyv gasped.

Rick didn't answer, but groped blindly with one hand, until he found
Vyvyan's wrist beside his head, and clung on. Vyv drew out carefully,
then pushed slowly back in. Rick moaned, and bucked his hips, making
Vyv yelp and thrust back instinctively.

Confronted with Rick's apparent acceptance of the situation, Vyvyan
decided the best (and most pleasurable) solution would be to finish
quickly. He pushed forward sharply, met with no resistance, so began
a rough pace that rocked the raft to a dangerous degree. Rick's eyes
opened, he craned upward, and fastened his teeth into Vyvyan's
shoulder.

Transferring all his weight to his right, Vyv grabbed onto Rick's
hand, and found it squeezed in a death-grip. For a second they stared
into each other's eyes, then Rick's drifted closed, and his head
lolled back. His spare hand reached out into the water, and gripped
the edge of the table.

"You'd better… do that again…"

"Huh?" Rick asked, not opening his eyes.

"Was… good…"

"Oh…"

Rick managed to look shocked, pained and pleased at the same time. He
let go of the table and hooked his arm around Vyv's neck, dragging
him down to within teeth range. He ran his tongue slowly against his
shoulder, then sucked at the flesh.

"I thought… I asked you to - urk!" His reprimand ended with a
strangled noise as Rick sank his teeth into the junction between
shoulder and neck.

The pain provided the last necessary stimulus to trigger his own
orgasm. He collapsed onto Rick's prone form. Their clenched hands
relaxed slightly, but neither let go. Rick squirmed partly free, and
kissed him enthusiastically. Vyv responded sluggishly, and Rick moved
down to his neck, sucking hard at the soft skin.

"What are you bloody well doing?" he asked, tiredly.

Rick grinned smugly, and inspected his handiwork. A dark bruise was
forming on Vyvyan's pale neck.

Vyv rolled away, and almost went over the edge of the raft. Rick
caught him and pulled him back to the centre of the raft, snuggling
up close. Vyv briefly considered pushing him away, but decided that
it actually felt quite nice, and besides, he didn't feel much like
expending energy.

A few moments passed.

"Rick? Are you going to sleep?"

"Mmm… Comfortable…"

"It still hurt?"

"Only when I move."

"Oh." He paused. "So… you enjoyed it then?"

"Yeah…?"

"Oh. Good."

Rick looked up from his concentrated study of Vyv's neck. "You?"

Vyv squeezed his hand. "Fuck, yeah."

There was a long, comfortable pause before Rick asked,
hesitantly, "Do you… want to do it again sometime?"

Vyv thought about it for a moment and opened his mouth to reply, but
was interrupted by a loud knock at the door.

They stared at each other in horror, then simultaneously dived for
their clothes.

"Er… who is it?" Rick called, stalling for time as he struggled into
his trousers.

"It is me, boys, Jerzy Balowski, your beloved landlord, here for the
party. I have brought lots of beer and pretty canapés for you…"

"Beer?" Vyv said, as his head emerged from his T-shirt. "Did you
bring any babycham?"

"Canapés?" Rick squealed, delightedly. "Come in, Mr Balowski!"

The door rattled, then was flung open. With a loud roar, the water
poured out, washing the rather surprised landlord down the street.

"Oh, damn, I forgot…" Rick said. He ran towards the door. "Mr
Balowski, wait!"

Vyv pulled off the table leg he'd earlier been gnawing on and threw
it at Rick's head. Rick turned at the strange whistling noise, and
the lump of wood connected sharply with his nose.

"Vyvyan, you stupid idiot, look what you've done! My nose is bleeding
now…"

"Really? Give us a look…"

"No!"

Ignoring him, Vyv left the table and started towards him. Rick
snatched up one of the sofa cushions which had ended up on top of the
hamster cage and made vague threatening gestures with it. Vyv grabbed
him by the throat and shoved him to the floor, throwing himself on
top. Rick yelped and giggled as Vyv's fingers found his ribs, and
desperately tried to twist away.

"Not interrupting anything, am I?" Mike asked as he sauntered in
through the open door.

Rick and Vyv leapt apart, and both did their best to look innocent,
with varying degrees of success.

"I… we… what… That's none of your business anyway, fascist!"

Mike just looked at him. Rick cowered slightly.

"I'm sorry, Mike…"

"Well, you should be. Because this sort of thing is always my
business, except with a few more chicks, if you know what I mean."

Rick put his hands on his hips. "Well, no, actually, I haven't got
the faintest idea. Hah!" He hastily stormed upstairs before either of
the others could reply.

Mike sat down on the sofa. "Vyvyan, I wouldn't usually pry into such
matters, but why is there water everywhere?"

"Dunno. I think it was Neil's fault."

He wandered upstairs. Mike turned to face the invisible
audience. "I'd figured that much…"

***

Rick was standing on the landing, looking a little lost. Vyv pushed
past him without a word and opened his bedroom door. Rick went to
follow him, but Vyv blocked the door.

"Where do you think *you're* going?"

"Oh… oh, nowhere…" he turned away quickly, and went into his own room.

***
From halfway up the stairs, Mike watched as Vyvyan hesitated, looked
back, and shook his head as he closed his bedroom door behind him.
Mike frowned. "Fascinating. In a very disturbing way…"

The End

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