Based on: Bottom
Rating: Ah, let me see, R I think.
Pairing: Richie and Eddie. Obviously.
Warnings : Er - maybe the title is misleading.
Richie snorted. His narrow lips vibrated as he let out
a loud sigh.
"I'm bored Eddie. How come there's never anything to do?"
Eddie Hitler looked at him before turning back, looking again and pausing. Eventually he spoke, "Because Richie, you have no money and no imagination."
"Yes I know - but that doesn't explain why we always end up sitting here, watching Richard and Judy and," he paused dreamily, "Emmerdale."
"I thought you liked Emmerdale."
"Yes I do, but where's the joie de vivre, where's the love, why is my life just one endless stream of pain and humiliation?" Richie threw his head into the arm of the sofa dramatically, hitting his head in the process.
Eddie sat there smirking. Of course he felt the same, but he wasn't about to let stupid stuff like that bother him. Not with all the booze and birds in the world, there for the taking. Not that any birds had been taken lately. Well, ever now he came to think about it. But the booze. Oh yes that was something to live for.
"Oh Eddie - why is there no-one special in my life? Am I so dull, am I so unattractive - do I perhaps smell?"
"Yes, yes and yes Richie - but maybe the fact that you never really take the time to listen might have something to do with it."
"I listen Eddie - I'd listen all night if it meant I'd get a shag out of it. I'm an incredibly romantic person deep down."
"All right prove it."
Richie Richard looked bemused at this. "And how pray tell am I supposed to prove it Eddie? Do you see any stunningly attractive birds with knockers like two puppies in a sack?"
"Ew that sounds revolting - what sort of birds have you seen? Wouldn't that make their knockers all hairy and dribbly?"
"That's beside the point. The point is there are no women here - just you, and I'm hardly likely to want to seduce you now am I?"
Eddie looked disappointed, "Really? I would have thought you'd be grabbing any chance you got. It's not as if you're going to get any other offers. Ever. From anybody."
Richie ignored the insult and went straight to the crux of the matter. "And are you seriously saying you're offering?"
"Well yes. Of course." Eddie grinned myopically at his housemate. Richie grimaced and jumped away.
"No, that's disgusting. I'm not that desperate."
"Well I think you are." Eddie growled seductively and pretended to be a panther, wagging his bottom and winking at Richie in a most unpantherlike way.
Richie backed into the corner. He reached behind him and fumbled for the nearest object. "No - keep away," he said, threatening Eddie with a small Spanish-lady shaped bottle of sand from the Isle of Wight.
"Ah - you think sand can keep us apart Richie. It's your destiny - you, me , a furtive night of pleasure. Of course I'll probably have to get extremely drunk before I let you shag me."
Richie put down the sand at looked at Eddie. "Have you been at that cooking sherry again?"
Eddie smiled sleepily. "Oh yes - and now I'm extremely drunk."
"You'll regret it in the morning."
"Oh - does that mean we're on?"
"Certainly does - an offer like this doesn't come along every day."
The next morning Eddie woke up with an alarming hangover and an even more alarming lump occupying the space next to him.
"eek," he whimpered as he realised that Richie was snuggling very close and in fact had his arm draped over a certain inexplicably tender part of Eddie's anatomy.
"Richie?" He whispered. Richie stirred slightly and moved even closer. Eddie manoeuvred himself into a slightly more comfortable position. He considered making a run for it, but then decided he was far too closely entwined with his sleeping housemate not to incur some sort of pain from the inevitable squeeze.
He looked at Richie from the corner of his eye. Everything was a bit blurry without his glasses, but he was close enough to see his companions face. He looked quite nice asleep, Eddie decided.
Just then Richie's eyes shot open. "Oh lord - Eddie I'm sorry."
"What?" Eddie reasoned that nonchalance might work - maybe Richie wouldn't notice anything was different.
"We've slept in - it's probably nearly 12 noon - you've missed all the pubs opening. I know how you like to be the first to order a triple scotch and a packet of pork scratchings. Oh and I think we've missed Richard and Judy."
"Eh? You're not apologising for being in my bed?"
"Apologise - why would I do that? It was wonderful. I'd fully expected to go my whole life without experiencing some of the things you showed me last night. Besides you started it."
"You mean you're not ashamed, you're not...what things?"
Richie chuckled, "Ooh, well if you don't remember maybe we'd better go over them again this morning."
Without the benefit of alcohol Eddie was feeling a little bit odd. He hadn't been sober for nigh on twenty years and it was an unfamiliar feeling. He was, however, surprised to find he was actually quite excited about the prospect of reliving all the things he'd missed in his semi-permanent drunken stupor. Even more strange, he was feeling very horny.
"Richie - I can't say this is something I ever expected to say in my lifetime but," he paused, "I think you maybe right for once. We had better go over them again."
The tongue in his ear, and the insistent hand on his groin suggested to Eddie that Richie had definitely been persuaded.