Fandom: Friends
Pairing: none
Rating: NC-17 - for adult terms
Archive: Slashcom, other- sure, but ask me first
Email:kirke0@go2.pl
Series/Sequel: no
Spoilers: To many 1st-5th series episodes. Set
somewhere during 5th series.
Summary: Chandler has just simply had enough.
Disclaimer: "Friends" belong to people they belong to
and it's not me. I'm just fooling aroung. Song lyrics
are from "No Matter What" by A. L Webber and Boyzone
Note: This fic is my voice of opposition against the
world that tries to teach us that being gay is
something wrong. It's not wrong, like it's not wrong
being straight, black, white, Christian, Jewish and
many others. Different doesn't mean worse.
WARNING: Heavy angst warning!
Finally
by Kirke
He'd had enough. He just couldn't take it anymore. It
was too much for him, too much.
He knew he was acting like a coward but then, what was
new? All his life was like that - hiding, pretending,
running away from problems.
And lying of course.
He was good at that one. So good, he sometimes
believed himself but, unfortunately, the truth was out
there. Always.
What an irony. This decision he'd made was cowardly,
but if he didn't make it, it would still be cowardly.
Life was a bitch sometimes.
He wanted to explain everything to his friends but he
didn't have the guts. They would hate him forever.
He was doing it for them.
No, that was an unfair thought. He was doing it only
for himself. He was the reason, no one else.
But yes, it would make their lives easier. He was
hurting them but it was better to hurt them one big
time and let them get over it than hurt them over
and over and over again. And if one day the truth
splipped... Good he decided to do it now, rather
than then. Better safe than sorry.
His friends. Yes, they were good people, good friends.
He would give his life for them. He snickered.
It looked like he just had.
Monica. He loved her. He really did. But not the way
he should. He should love her better, she *deserved*
better. He couldn't give that to her. God, he tried so
hard,
but he couldn't.
Ross. His best friend. They knew each other so well.
Failing him so badly was out of the question. Never
again would he go through that hell again, not because
of him.
He chuckled. What was wrong with those Gellers anyway?
Always falling for queers.
Phoebe. His beautiful, wide-eyed Phoebe. He hopped she
would be fine in the future. She'd gone through so
much and survived. He wished he could be strong like
her.
Rachel. She was the brave one. She'd left a warm family
nest to lead a life she wanted. He was sure
that she would understand one day that Ross was her
destiny. They will be happy together.
Joey...
Chandler let out a keening sound but quickly suppressed
himself. Not like that. He had to think about nice
things. Happy thoughts.
Like when Joey kissed him at Monica's Christmas party
or bought him that stupid, gold bracelet he hated so
much, or made him spend all thanksgiving in a box.
He smiled slowly. Now, that's better. It would be so
stupid to die being sad.
He remembered first time he realized his feelings
toward Joey. It was when Joey moved out. He remembered
sitting on the window railing, watching falling rain
drops, thinking about him. And then that thought just
struck him.
He was never so scared in his entire life.
Yes, he loved that man. It was wrong, wicked, he knew
that and he tried so hard not to feel that way but he
couldn't.
How did that song go?
'I can't deny what I believe, I can't be what I'm
not.'
That guy knew what he was singing about.
His mother. No. He couldn't think about her. Poor
mummy. All the men in her life were such a big
disappointment for her. He wasn't any better.
His father. That was strange. Although he always
despised him, he couldn't think of anything wrong
about him at that moment. More, he thought about him
almost as a hero. He should have hated him. It was all
his fault...
No it wasn't.
He had established that before- he was the only one to
blame.
Shit. He started to fall apart. How long it would take
those
pills to kick in??
He took a pen from a night table and slowly scrambled
two words on a piece of paper.
'Forgive me'
God, he hopped they would.
A single tear rolled down his face but Chandler didn't
feel it. He didn't feel anything anymore.
....finally...
END
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