Authors: Frogmella Fiasco and Angela Basterd
Rating: NC-17 (mwuh-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaa!)
Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Young Ones, or any band members
that might crop up for any reason (although damn, we wish we did!)
Archive: Take it if you want it. Just tell us where it is :-)
Acknowledgements: Copious amounts of thanks to our beta reader ...
for putting up with us and saying lots of lovely (and useful)
We'd also like to thank Rik and Ade for being so damn cute (and
lovely and cuddly and cool and crazy), and for Rik saying they have a
husband/wife relationship on the making of Guest House Paradiso
(Rik's the girl!). Also great thanks go to Rik, Ben Elton and Lise
Mayer for writing the Young Ones too. We'd like to thank each other
for keeping ourselves awake enough to write this (and indeed for
being deranged enough to attempt it in the first place). Finally,
many thanks to the voucher fairy for allowing us to buy videos (lots
and *lots* of videos!).
Anti-acknowledgements: We want to send out a huge `grrr!' to Barbara
Mayall and Jennifer Saunders for being married to two of the most
brilliant blokes in existence (although Angela quite fancies Jennifer
Saunders as well. And Suggs).
Vyvyan? You're not trying to take advantage of me, are you?"
"Course I'm not." He finished with the front of Rick's shirt, and
pushed it open.
Rick smiled, weakly. "Oh. That's alright, then… Just as long as
you're not -" He was cut off, as Vyv's mouth closed over his. He gave
a muffled `mph' of protest, which was thoroughly ignored. In a last-
ditch effort to convince Vyvyan that he knew what he was doing, he
stabbed his tongue blindly forward.
Vyvyan pulled away. "Do you bloody mind? I've had my tonsils out
"I… er…" He would have attempted an apology, had he been given the
opportunity. Vyv flicked his tongue delicately over his lips, and
Rick gasped at the bizarre sensation, grabbing Vyv's upper arms and
pulling him closer.
Vyv grinned, smugly. "Thought you'd like that."
"What, you mean you've *thought* about this?!"
"*Thought* I told you to shut up…"
He carefully thrust his tongue into Rick's mouth this time, lapping
at the roof of his mouth. Rick squealed and twisted away. "Oh, don't,
that feels really… what the hell's wrong with your tongue…?"
Bemused, Vyv stuck his tongue out and attempted to squint down at it.
Rick stared at the silver stud, fascinated.
"Doesn't that hurt?"
"Dth ot urt?"
Vyv tried to look at his own tongue again. "Er sthd?"
He finally put his tongue back. "I said, are you talking about the
"Yes! What else do you think I'd be talking about?"
"Well, of course it hurt. What'd be the point if it didn't hurt? But
it's healed up now. Any other questions, or shall we get on with it?
God, no wonder nobody'd ever sleep with you, you'd have bored them
all to death first."
Rick clutched the edges of his shirt together defensively. "That's a
very hurtful thing to say…"
Vyv sighed. "Look, what is wrong with the tongue stud?"
"Well… it's a bit… I mean…"
His train of thought was permanently derailed as Vyv leaned in and
started to gently lick his neck and throat. Rick's arms came up
almost involuntarily and wound around Vyvyan's waist. He moaned
quietly, then went red when he realised that he had done so.
He kissed him again, this time avoiding the more sensitive areas,
concentrating instead on encouraging Rick to start making his own
explorations. And he did, moving his tongue forward slowly to lick
over the flat of Vyvyan's, but avoiding the small metal protrusion.
Without breaking the kiss, Vyv tried to pull Rick's shirt the rest of
the way off, but it was made a little difficult when Rick didn't
release his shoulders. Eventually he reached up, dug his fingertips
into the hollows of Rick's wrists, and prised his hands loose.
Rick pulled away with a hurt look, and clutched his hands against his
chest. "What did you do that for?"
"Sorry. You should have moved."
"Oh, for fuck's sake… Let's do the whole clothes-taking-off thing
now. We don't want to piss about with them and overbalance the raft."
Rick shuffled backwards. "Look… I'm really not so sure this is a good
"Course it's a bloody good idea. You don't want to die a virgin, do
"Then *what*?" Vyv folded his arms, and scowled.
Rick went bright red and stared at his own nervously twisting
fingers. "You're… I don't want… Can we just…" He looked up at him, a
pleading expression on his face. "Can we just do that for a while?"
Vyv blinked in surprise. "Uh… okay. If you want."
Rick held out his arms, and Vyv leaned back in. For a while they sat,
bodies awkwardly twisted on the softly rocking raft, until Vyv broke
off and pushed firmly on Rick's shoulders, urging him to lie flat on
his back. He didn't object, and Vyv straddled his waist, taking most
of his weight on his hands and knees.
The angle was now a lot easier, but Rick's earlier over-sensitivity
didn't make a reappearance. In fact, he seemed to be genuinely
enjoying the sensations, kissing back enthusiastically, his hands
stroking up and down Vyv's back.
As his feet were beginning to go to sleep anyway, Vyv decided now
might be a good time to do something about the position he had ended
up in. Unfolding his legs so he could lie flat, he carefully lowered
himself until he was snug against Rick's body. To his surprise, the
manoeuvre was met with a pleased moan, and a sharp thrust upwards. He
was faintly impressed at the size of the erection being rubbed
against his crotch, and encouraged the instinctive movement with an
At this, Rick cried out and his grip on Vyv's shoulders tightened. He
opened his eyes, and found himself gazing straight into Vyvyan's. His
housemate was grinning at him. After a seconds hesitation, he grinned
back. They both leaned forward at the same moment, and the kiss was
harder than either had anticipated. Vyv pulled back, moving his hips
slowly against Rick's, then nipped gently at his exposed collarbone.
"Hey…" Rick began, his voice breathless and a little unsure.
Vyv licked at the place where his teeth had been, then nosed the
shirt aside and licked a path down to a tiny pink nipple. Rick arched
upward at the unexpected sensation of Vyv's tongue stud. Vyv slid
further down, the firm jut of Rick's erection pressing into his
stomach. He stroked his fingertips over the soft skin of his smooth
chest, and Rick giggled, swatting at his hands.
"You're not supposed to be *tickling* me…"
"Don't see why not…" Vyv replied, pushing his hands under Rick's
shirt and running them down his sensitive sides. Rick started
laughing madly, trying to beat Vyv off and squirm away from his hands
at the same time. The raft dipped and a wave of water rushed over the
surface, suddenly splashing them both in cold wetness.
Rick yelped and tried to sit up, but Vyv's body blocked his path. He
shoved him unceremoniously back down. "Rick, are you trying to drown
"Why, yes, of course I am, Vyvyan. Idiot."
Vyvyan sat up and shuffled back. "Well, fine, if that's how you feel…"
Rick shuffled forward. "I'm sorry…" he crawled into Vyv's lap and
kissed him placatingly. Vyv smirked at him, wrapped his arms around
him, and lowered him back down to the table. Rick narrowed his eyes
at him. "I'm all wet now…"
Vyv smirked again. "Really?"
"Shut up. You know what I meant."
"It's your own fault. Don't know what you're complaining at me for."
"It was *not* my fault, Vyvyan."
"Take your clothes off if they're wet."
He blushed. "…you first."
Vyv shrugged. "Okay." He pulled off his boots and flung them into the
living room. One hit the hamster cage while the other went through a
front window. His jacket and T-shirt soon followed suit, but they
were simply draped over a table leg.
Rick stared wordlessly.
"Rick?" Vyv waved a hand before his face. "Hello?"
"You… you scare me."
"Don't tell me…" He tweaked at the tiny silver ring that was fixed in
his left nipple. Rick winced.
"I don't know how you can…"
Vyv took his hand and pressed it to his chest, guiding the fingertips
over the mutilated nipple. "Ah, fuck, yeah…"
"But… Why doesn't it hurt?"
"Cos I got it done when I was fifteen. It's healed. And don't stop…"
Rick sat up, shrugging off his shirt in the process, and put both
palms flat on Vyvyan's chest, leaning forward for another kiss. He
trailed his hands uncertainly over Vyv's whole torso, finding the
sensation of warm skin under his fingers unexpectedly pleasing. He
was distracted, however, when Vyv's hands found his belt buckle. But
by the time he'd decided that he really did want to object and make
Vyv stick to his promise to get undressed first, his trousers were
pooled around his knees.
Vyv gave him a quizzical look.
"I… need to do some laundry…" he explained, feeling his face flush
red yet again.
"That's okay," Vyv told him, grinning widely. "I don't mind."
He sat back to disentangle his feet. "What about you?"
Vyv's jeans proved to be something more of a problem, and in the
resulting struggle he managed to `accidentally' kick both of Rick's
shoes over the edge of the raft. Rick pretended not to notice,
instead concentrating on relieving Vyv of his underwear. When the
light blue Y-fronts had been confiscated, they joined the shoes in
"Oi," Vyv said, looking affronted. "They were practically clean."
"Well, they're even cleaner now, aren't they?" Rick said smugly.
Vyv tickled him again. He shrieked, and wrestled Vyv's hands away,
ending with all four of their hands in the air between them. They
kissed again, neither wanting to be the first to let go. Eventually
Vyv relented, and Rick promptly jumped on him. The raft dipped again,
and a small wave washed around them. They jumped into each other's
"Let's not rock the raft any more."
"Pity, I was quite looking forward to rocking the raft." He smirked.
Rick blushed. "You know what I mean. It's too cold."
Vyv slipped his hands over his arse, and pulled him up onto his
lap. "Feel a little more secure now?"
He wriggled, and Vyv moaned. "Oh, sorry…"
"No, no, that's fine. Really…"
But Rick climbed down anyway.
He lay back, holding his hands out to Vyv, who grinned with sudden
inspiration and straddled Rick's right thigh.
Rick looked up nervously. "What're you…"
"Shut up, Rick."
He stroked down the inside of the thigh he could reach, then around
his hips, then down over his lower belly.
"Oh, bloody hell…"
"I told you to shut up."
He closed his fingers around Rick's penis, cutting off the whine.
Vyv could feel the heartbeat as he tightened his grip slowly. Rick's
hand groped blindly downwards, and he squeezed it quickly, then
shooed it back upwards.
Bending forwards, he ran his tongue lightly around the head,
transferred his grip upwards, then began to lick at the base. When
the whole shaft was sufficiently lubricated, he wrapped his hand
completely around, and began to slide it slowly up and down. Rick's
hand drifted downwards again, and this time Vyv took it with his free
It didn't take long for the saliva to dry, and Rick swiped Vyv's hand
away. "Owww, Vyyyv…"
"Oh, for *fuck's* sake.…"
"What?!" He planted his hands on his hips. "It hurt…"
"You're such a girl."
Rick looked pointedly down at his weeping erection. "I'm bloody not,
"Fine." Vyv shuffled downwards.
"What are you doing?" Rick craned anxiously. "Vyvyan? Vyv-urk!"
Vyvyan swirled his tongue firmly around the shaft, and Rick squawked.
He disengaged briefly to ask, "is that better?"
"What, don't you like it? I'll stop, then." He began to shuffle
"No!" Rick shoved him back downwards. Vyv smirked.
"Well, if you absolutely insist…"
He sucked the whole length into his mouth, and pushed his tongue
against the sensitive underside. This time, Rick howled.
A voice floated down from above, the water-filled room making the
echoes sound strange and unfamiliar. "Guys… Could you keep it down,
"That's what I'm trying to do, Neil!" Vyv yelled back.
Rick gave him a mortified grimace. "Shut the hell up," he hissed.
"Shut up yourself," he retorted, flicking his tongue out and making
sure the stud scraped across the slit. Rick did as he was told.
Vyv ran a hand across Rick's thigh, then clamped it hard over his
balls, while scrubbing his tongue over the ridge. Rick wrapped his
legs around Vyv's neck, arching his back as he came. Vyv pulled back
and swallowed, then waited patiently for Rick to let him go. When
Rick finally flopped backwards, eyes closed and chest heaving, Vyv
pulled himself upright, and stretched briefly. He knelt between
Rick's spread legs.
"Right," he said, happily. "My turn."
Rick's eyes snapped open. "What?"
"Don't be so selfish, Rick. Budge up."
He curled up. "No!"
"*Oh*, for…" Vyv sat back on his heels and surveyed the flooded
kitchen. Rick uncurled slightly.
"What are you looking for?"
Vyv jumped off the raft and waded towards the sink. "I know there's
still some olive oil left. I refilled my lighter with it yesterday."
"…what do you want that for…?"
"Cos if I stuck it up you dry, you'd scream the bloody roof in. You
can't see it, can you?"
"Vyvyan, you're not talking about what I think you're talking about,
are you? Because if you are, I want no part in it."
"I'm going to be the one with a part in it, you idiot. Now can you
see the oil or not?"
Rick brayed blatantly false laughter. "Very funny, Vyvyan, I suppose
you thought you had me fooled, didn't you? I suppose you thought I'd
fall for that like a little spasmo, huh?" Pause. "Didn't you?"
"Found it!" The bottle flew through the air and struck Rick on the
top of the head.
"Ow! Vyvyan, you bastard, that really hurt!"
Vyv splashed enthusiastically back to the raft and scrambled up.
"Look, Vyv, you *were* joking, weren't you?"
"Bloody well hope not." He bit the top off the oil bottle and spat it
over the side. "Come here, then."
Rick wrapped his arms around himself tighter. "Look… I'm not so sure
"Really? Why not?"
"I just… don't want to, alright?"
"God, you really are a girl, aren't you?"
"Stop saying that! And if you equate not wanting to be fucked by you
with being a girl, well… well I think you have your metaphors mixed
Vyvyan regarded him in silence for a few seconds, then decided
against even trying to answer that. Instead he propped the mutilated
oil bottle against a table leg, grabbed Rick by the shoulders and
dragged him forwards into his arms.
"Oh, don't think you're going to get round me like that," Rick
snapped, trying to fold his arms and failing miserably.
"Shut up, Rick." He shifted one hand to the back of Rick's head and
kissed him. It only took a few seconds for Rick to relax and begin to
Vyvyan carefully pushed his chin upwards, and began to nuzzle at the
sensitive skin of his throat. Rick giggled and clutched at his
shoulders. By moving down over his chest, Vyv began to lower him back
down flat on the raft. Rick went without protesting, and lay
passively underneath him, until Vyv propped himself up on his hands,
breaking the contact.
"Roll over, then."
Vyv rolled his eyes. "What's the bloody matter now?"
Rick pouted. "If you want to do this, you're going to look at me." He
wrapped his legs around Vyv's waist in an attempt to prove he was
"Why would I… Oh, never mind. Alright, then."
Rick's pout turned anxious. "You mean you still… You really want… I
didn't mean it!"
"Yes, you did." He grabbed the oil bottle and poured a little out
onto his hands.
"I… oh, nothing…"
"Good." He reached down between them, shoving Rick's legs firmly
apart, and pushed one slick finger gingerly up inside him. Rick
fastened his teeth into his lower lip and turned huge, frightened
eyes up to Vyvyan, who grinned unnervingly back at him, and added
Rick started crying.
"Oh, for… *What*?!"
"I'm scared!" He went bright red, and sobbed, pitifully.
Vyv heaved a deep sigh, eased his fingers out, and gently hugged him,
running his hands over his hair, making it slightly greasier. Rick
sniffled into his shoulder, returning the hug. Vyv carried on
stroking his hair until he stopped crying.
"Have you finished now?"
He ran his hand down Rick's stomach, squeezed briefly at his spent
cock, and slipped his hand back between his legs. Rick squeaked, but
lifted his hips and wriggled into a slightly more comfortable
position. Encouraged, Vyvyan hastily reoiled his hand and pushed two
"Vyvyan… Not so hard, it hurts…"
"Well, what did you expect?" He moved his fingers slowly, and Rick
whimpered. He stopped, and Rick shoved back slightly. "So, you *like*
"Are you going to get on with it or not?"
Vyv shrugged. "Okay."
Rick gasped and tried to force himself to relax as he felt a third
finger join the first two. "Vyv… How many more were you planning on?"
"Oh. Getting a bit impatient, are we?"
"Just bloody well get on with it…"
"You've got no sense of romance, you haven't."
Rick's eyes lit up. Then he scowled. "You're taking the piss, aren't
Vyv grinned at him. "Yeah."
"Well, please don't."
"Okay." He twisted his fingers slowly, parting them, stretching the
muscles, then slid them out. Rick looked up, nervously.
"Look, are you completely oh bloody hell…"
"That okay, then?"
Vyv decided to take that as a positive comment, since Rick wasn't
actually fighting him off, and eased in a little further. The walls
of strong muscle surrounding him abruptly clenched down, and he
stopped, running his hands down over Rick's chest and stomach until
he relaxed a little. He shoved his hips back against Vyv, then
"Make up your mind," Vyv gasped.
Rick didn't answer, but groped blindly with one hand, until he found
Vyvyan's wrist beside his head, and clung on. Vyv drew out carefully,
then pushed slowly back in. Rick moaned, and bucked his hips, making
Vyv yelp and thrust back instinctively.
Confronted with Rick's apparent acceptance of the situation, Vyvyan
decided the best (and most pleasurable) solution would be to finish
quickly. He pushed forward sharply, met with no resistance, so began
a rough pace that rocked the raft to a dangerous degree. Rick's eyes
opened, he craned upward, and fastened his teeth into Vyvyan's
Transferring all his weight to his right, Vyv grabbed onto Rick's
hand, and found it squeezed in a death-grip. For a second they stared
into each other's eyes, then Rick's drifted closed, and his head
lolled back. His spare hand reached out into the water, and gripped
the edge of the table.
"You'd better… do that again…"
"Huh?" Rick asked, not opening his eyes.
Rick managed to look shocked, pained and pleased at the same time. He
let go of the table and hooked his arm around Vyv's neck, dragging
him down to within teeth range. He ran his tongue slowly against his
shoulder, then sucked at the flesh.
"I thought… I asked you to - urk!" His reprimand ended with a
strangled noise as Rick sank his teeth into the junction between
shoulder and neck.
The pain provided the last necessary stimulus to trigger his own
orgasm. He collapsed onto Rick's prone form. Their clenched hands
relaxed slightly, but neither let go. Rick squirmed partly free, and
kissed him enthusiastically. Vyv responded sluggishly, and Rick moved
down to his neck, sucking hard at the soft skin.
"What are you bloody well doing?" he asked, tiredly.
Rick grinned smugly, and inspected his handiwork. A dark bruise was
forming on Vyvyan's pale neck.
Vyv rolled away, and almost went over the edge of the raft. Rick
caught him and pulled him back to the centre of the raft, snuggling
up close. Vyv briefly considered pushing him away, but decided that
it actually felt quite nice, and besides, he didn't feel much like
A few moments passed.
"Rick? Are you going to sleep?"
"It still hurt?"
"Only when I move."
"Oh." He paused. "So… you enjoyed it then?"
Rick looked up from his concentrated study of Vyv's neck. "You?"
Vyv squeezed his hand. "Fuck, yeah."
There was a long, comfortable pause before Rick asked,
hesitantly, "Do you… want to do it again sometime?"
Vyv thought about it for a moment and opened his mouth to reply, but
was interrupted by a loud knock at the door.
They stared at each other in horror, then simultaneously dived for
"Er… who is it?" Rick called, stalling for time as he struggled into
"It is me, boys, Jerzy Balowski, your beloved landlord, here for the
party. I have brought lots of beer and pretty canapés for you…"
"Beer?" Vyv said, as his head emerged from his T-shirt. "Did you
bring any babycham?"
"Canapés?" Rick squealed, delightedly. "Come in, Mr Balowski!"
The door rattled, then was flung open. With a loud roar, the water
poured out, washing the rather surprised landlord down the street.
"Oh, damn, I forgot…" Rick said. He ran towards the door. "Mr
Vyv pulled off the table leg he'd earlier been gnawing on and threw
it at Rick's head. Rick turned at the strange whistling noise, and
the lump of wood connected sharply with his nose.
"Vyvyan, you stupid idiot, look what you've done! My nose is bleeding
"Really? Give us a look…"
Ignoring him, Vyv left the table and started towards him. Rick
snatched up one of the sofa cushions which had ended up on top of the
hamster cage and made vague threatening gestures with it. Vyv grabbed
him by the throat and shoved him to the floor, throwing himself on
top. Rick yelped and giggled as Vyv's fingers found his ribs, and
desperately tried to twist away.
"Not interrupting anything, am I?" Mike asked as he sauntered in
through the open door.
Rick and Vyv leapt apart, and both did their best to look innocent,
with varying degrees of success.
"I… we… what… That's none of your business anyway, fascist!"
Mike just looked at him. Rick cowered slightly.
"I'm sorry, Mike…"
"Well, you should be. Because this sort of thing is always my
business, except with a few more chicks, if you know what I mean."
Rick put his hands on his hips. "Well, no, actually, I haven't got
the faintest idea. Hah!" He hastily stormed upstairs before either of
the others could reply.
Mike sat down on the sofa. "Vyvyan, I wouldn't usually pry into such
matters, but why is there water everywhere?"
"Dunno. I think it was Neil's fault."
He wandered upstairs. Mike turned to face the invisible
audience. "I'd figured that much…"
Rick was standing on the landing, looking a little lost. Vyv pushed
past him without a word and opened his bedroom door. Rick went to
follow him, but Vyv blocked the door.
"Where do you think *you're* going?"
"Oh… oh, nowhere…" he turned away quickly, and went into his own room.
From halfway up the stairs, Mike watched as Vyvyan hesitated, looked
back, and shook his head as he closed his bedroom door behind him.
Mike frowned. "Fascinating. In a very disturbing way…"