Title: RAVISH AND RADISHMENT
Author: C.C. Lyrebird
Fandom: Blackadder the Third
Pairing: Edmund Blackadder the butler/George, Prince Regent of
England.
Rating: NC-17
Archive: If interested, please ask.
Email for feedback: Any comments welcome at lyrebird@hibiscuscoast.com
Disclaimers: Characters created by cleverer people than me.
Notes: Occurs after the episode "Amy and Amiability."
Thanks to JT for inspiration and ZN for beta-reading.
"Baldrick! Baldrick!! Where are you, you miserable good-for-nothing
excuse for a human being?" Mornings were never a good time of day
for Edmund Blackadder. The dawn of a new day always coincided with
the onset of one of his black moods. "Baldrick! Come here and look
at this!" Then again, he was always in a foul temper.
But he had good reason to be. Life in the early 1800s was harsh and
brutal for the underprivileged. Even as butler to the Prince Regent,
doomed to living in a dingy cellar caked with dirt, it was not pretty.
"Typical, just typical. If you want something done right, you have to
do it yourself." Baldrick's usual sleeping quarters in the upstairs
water closet were empty. That left the kitchen. "Baldrick!"
Despite his lot in life, Blackadder knew that he had reason to be
grateful. After all, how many butlers had such a pathetic-looking
dogsbody to do the dirty work? How many butlers had such a perfect
target for bullying and venting their frustrated anger?
"Baldrick! Answer me when I call you."
A short, unshaven, filthy man looked up from where he was cleaning
the kitchen floor. "You called, Mr. B?"
"Yelled, actually, but let's not get into semantics." Blackadder held
up a pair of mud-splattered shoes. "Look at this. You call these
shoes polished?"
Baldrick obligingly peered at the objects in question. "No, I call
those shoes 'shoes.'"
Blackadder scowled. Insolence from his master was one thing,
insolence from the sub-human classes a different matter entirely.
There was only one sensible way to deal with such a display of cheek.
He took careful aim with one shoe, and let it fly.
Baldrick ducked, but he was not quick enough. "Owwww!! What was
that for?"
"For being cute. You're much too ugly to attempt it, so don't even
try. I have enough trouble dealing with Prince Minibrain upstairs."
"I don't see what you're so grumpy about. The Prince hasn't called
for you yet this morning."
"For which I am extremely grateful. The Prince may have the charm
and intelligence of a plank of wood, but he does have one redeeming
feature: he sleeps like a log until three o'clock in the afternoon.
That means rest for me, and work for you."
"But I work for the Prince, too. Why don't I get a rest until he
wakes up?"
"Because you work for me, Balders, and I find that much of my joy in
life is irretrievably linked to depriving you of yours."
The servant bell for the front door rang twice.
"Who could be calling at this hour?" Baldrick asked.
"I don't know, but whoever it is has wasted their time. The Prince
isn't going to be awake for another seven hours."
"He hasn't been the same since he's started going to that new
gentlemen's club, has he?"
Blackadder sighed. Unfortunately, opening the door and announcing
visitors was one task he had to do himself. Baldrick was simply too
ugly to be seen by outsiders. So he threw the other shoe, but
Baldrick was better prepared and ducked out of the way.
The bell rang again.
"All right, all right," Blackadder muttered. "I'm coming."
*****
As Prince Regent, Prince George had his own private residence in
Carlton House. Though Buckingham House easily accommodated the
entire royal family with plenty of room to spare, Carlton House had
the advantage of its location. It was within walking distance of the
venues frequented by fine young gentlemen: the taverns, coffee
houses, and gentlemen's clubs of Central London.
It also gave him the freedom to come home at any hour of the day or
night without disturbing the other members of the royal family.
There was no need to explain himself to the King and Queen, which was
most convenient. And as long as he remembered to take the key, even
the servants would know nothing about his nocturnal wanderings.
However, Prince George had not reckoned with the difficulty involved
in inserting a key in a lock while severely inebriated. After
several abortive attempts, he settled for banging on the front door.
"Tally-ho, Bladders! Let me in!"
Blackadder cringed at the mangling of his name, but said nothing as
he opened the door. Correcting the Prince was about as productive as
teaching a nematode worm the finer points of Dalton's atomic theory
of chemistry. "Certainly, sir. Been out for some morning exercise,
I see."
"Morning?" George looked up at the sky, his powdered wig half over
his face. "It can't be. I can't see the sun. There's only darkness
out here."
Blackadder straightened the wig. Bleary gray eyes squinted at him.
"Why, so there is light! Bravo, Bladders! You are right, after
all. Morning it is."
With his exquisitely embroidered silk coat disheveled, cravat half-
undone and stockings down to his ankles, his master was hardly a
picture of sartorial elegance. Blackadder frowned in
disapproval. "Just come inside before you make a complete spectacle
of yourself."
The Prince stumbled as he came inside, but his spirits remained
high. "Guess where I've been tonight? I had the most wonderful
time."
"Considering how disreputable you look, your Highness, I'm not sure I
want to know. Just look at yourself! I dress you up, and this is
how you return?"
"Ooooh! Lower your voice. It's giving me a headache."
Blackadder assisted the Prince in removing his coat. "I don't know
why I bother sometimes."
He knew the Prince's appearance shouldn't matter to him. It wasn't
as if his master had a valuable reputation to protect. If
unblemished reputations were deemed as beyond price, then the
Prince's would be worth about sixpence.
But Blackadder took some pride in his work. It was his job to see
that his master was dressed appropriately for his station. Even if
he was doomed to win the "Who's Got the Stupidest Master"
competition, as awarded yearly by the Guild of Butlers, he would
rather be damned than also win the "Who's Got the Worst Dressed
Master" competition, as well.
"I told you I shouldn't have bothered to get dressed for The Naughty
Hell Fire Club," George replied as he made his way toward the
bedroom. He fumbled with the buttons of his waistcoat. "Damn these
fastenings! You have to be an Oxford graduate to figure out how to
undo them."
"Let me, sir." Blackadder took over, dismissing the Prince's feeble
efforts. The Prince couldn't do up his clothes at the best of times,
and alcohol was unlikely to improve his fine motor skills. "I
thought you had cancelled your membership to that particular
gentlemen's club. I understood that some of the new, ahem,
activities there were not to your taste."
George stared at him. "Huh? What activities?"
"Well, the...the..." Blackadder cleared his throat. "The one for non-
payment of bills, sir."
"Oh, the radishing! You mean when they pull your britches down and
push a large radish up your_"
"Yes! Yes!" Blackadder shouted. "I know!"
"Aarrggh! My aching head." George doubled over and fell back onto
the bed, hands clapped over his ears. "Bladders, what has got into
you?"
Blackadder collected himself with difficulty. He took deep breaths
until the nausea eased, and forced it back beneath the veneer of
polished calm. "Nothing, nothing. Forgive me, your Highness. I
was...I was just expressing my concern for your welfare."
"Why, Blackadder." George sat up slowly, Does my welfare matter to
you that much?"eyes wide, his headache forgotten. "Do you...do you
really mean that?
Blackadder breathed a small sigh of relief. Fortunately, working as
a servant to such a gullible moron did have some advantages. He
smiled warmly at the Prince, and softened his voice. "But, of
course, your Highness. Were we not raised together as children? I
am here to serve you, sir, just as my father served your father.
Why, as a babe I even showed you which bit of your nursemaid was
serving the drinks."
"I am touched, Blackadder, truly touched." George sniffed, and
rubbed his eyes. "I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever
said to me."
Blackadder knelt before him. "Let me take your cravat and shirt off,
sir." If the Prince was going to start blubbering, then it was best
that he do it on a bare chest. It would avoid the inconvenience of
having to put more starch in his neckcloth and hanging his shirt out
to dry.
Obediently, the Prince lifted his chin. "You mustn't worry about the
radishings. They don't do it that much, anyway."
Maintaining a stony silence, Blackadder began to work at the
fastenings of the shirt.
"The Naughty Hell Fire Club has standards to uphold. It doesn't
radish its members without cause."
Blackadder clenched his jaw. "Your Highness..."
"You even get used to it after a while."
"Sir, don't..."
George's voice was low and confiding. "And it isn't that bad, once
you get_"
"That is it!" Blackadder jumped up as if burned. "No more!"
"Dammit, Bladders! I'm not deaf, you know."
"Sir, you will have to undress yourself." Blackadder cleared his
throat again. After yelling at Baldrick, he barely had enough voice
left to shout at his master as well. "I know it will require
considerable intellectual exertion on your behalf, since you have
difficulty even putting on a pair of trousers without my assistance.
But think of it as exercise for your brain cells. All three of them."
"Exercise? But I'm the Prince Regent. I can get others to do my
exercise for me."
Ignoring him, Blackadder stormed out.
*****
It was dark in his quarters. There were no windows to bring in warm
sunlight, but he preferred it that way. A small oil lamp provided
enough light to illuminate the bedside table, yet kept the rest of
the grime and filth in shadow. With the door shut, there was nothing
to disturb him except the scuttle of the cockroaches.
Blackadder untied the ribbon in his hair, allowing it to fall to his
shoulders before he lay on his narrow bed. He stared at the ceiling,
and wished he were in another time and another place. Previous
generations of his family had been lords and dukes. And there were
rumours, never substantiated, that one was even King of England for
ten glorious seconds.
There was a knock at the door.
"Mr. B? The Prince is ringing for you."
"I'm on strike, Balders. I've had enough of his sexual depravity and
boorish manners. See what he wants and take over for me. If he's
going to act like a crazed idiot, then he can have one for a butler."
"Does that mean I'll get to wear a smart uniform like you? And get
that nice wavy look in my hair with the little ponytail? Oh, I can't
wait."
Blackadder snorted to himself. Insulting Baldrick was no fun without
the added violence. Sarcasm went completely over the man's head, but
hurled objects and booted feet usually brought the point home.
Left in peace, he went back to his pensive musings. Why couldn't he
be a lord or duke, as generations of Blackadders had been before
him? Why was he reduced to waiting on a complete git with a newly
discovered radish fetish?
"Oh no," he muttered to himself. He'd thought of the bloody thing
again, dammit.
*Radish.*
He couldn't get it out of his mind. In order to avoid thinking about
a radish, he had to remember not to think about a radish, and that
defeated the entire purpose of the mental exercise because it only
reminded him of it all over again.
*Radish.*
Not to mention what the Naughty Hell Fire Club did with them. Though
he never did allow the Prince to fully explain what was involved, he
had a vivid imagination that filled in the blanks well enough. The
thought of it made him shudder, and a peculiar warmth settled in his
nether regions.
*It isn't that bad, you know.*
No, he didn't know. And he didn't want to. Firm red radish, soft
white bottom... His anal muscles clenched in protest. The results
could only be agonizing.
No doubt the radish in question wouldn't be too happy either.
So why did such a repulsive act inflame his senses so? Why was his
cock stirring at the mere thought of it? Why was his body betraying
him like this? He looked down at himself, at the bulge in his
breeches. "So this is what it's come to, is that it? After being
deprived of female companionship for God knows how long, you've
decided to settle for vegetables. You're as bad as the fathead
upstairs." The ache in his loins eased a fraction, and the bulge
subsided as if ashamed.
"Come to think of it, at least they'd be perfectly compatible.
Prince George already has the intelligence of a carrot, so I'm sure
he and the radish must have many interests in common. Being equally
dull and boring, they'd be fascinated by each other's conversation.
And at night in their marriage bed..."
An image came unbidden into his mind. He was in the Prince's
bedroom. When the Prince was in bed, it was part of Blackadder's
routine to check in on him, just to make sure that he wore his night
robe the right way round, and he knew which end of the bed he should
be resting his head upon.
But this time, George was stretched out before him, lying on his
stomach, the blankets thrown off. His head was free of the powdered
wig, and soft strands of brown hair fell over his face. A sweet
smile curved his lips. The hem of his night robe was lifted high to
reveal his bottom: two soft cheeks, gilded with gold from the oil
lamp, and the tempting shadow between them.
On the pillow beside him lay a bunch of freshly picked red radishes.
"Oh, dear God." Blackadder covered his face but it was no use. He
could see the scene in his mind's eye, and his body would not be
denied. His cock throbbed, impatient and eager, and the tightness in
his crotch was almost painful.
He was a pervert. There was no denying it.
He rubbed his forehead. This mental self-flagellation was
pointless. It wasn't as if he was a pious man, one burdened with a
conscience. He had discarded it long ago, after finding that it was
about as useful to him as a chastity belt on a prostitute. But he
had thought himself a man of the world, cynical and jaded. It was
galling to learn that when it came to sexual matters, he became as
fearful as a callow youth.
It was just a fantasy, a mere daydream. An alternative route on the
winding path to physical relief. That was all. He could worry about
it and never arrive at his destination, or follow the fantasy to its
end, get his rocks off, and then try to forget it ever happened.
He certainly knew which one he'd prefer.
He pulled off his breeches, freeing his cock, and fondled himself.
Closing his eyes, he returned to the vision of the bare-buttocked
Prince and the radishes. Now...he pictured himself approaching the
bed quietly, so as not to awaken the Prince.
With his free hand, he stroked his erection, just a teasing caress.
He felt it swell in his hand and tingle pleasantly.
Slowly, he would get onto the bed. The mattress might dip, but the
Prince would not stir.
He enclosed the shaft with his fingers, holding it still. It pulsed
in his grip, and a sweet ache spread down his thighs.
Then he would pull the drowsing Prince to his knees.
His fingers tightened around the shaft, and he began squeezing and
stroking, pulling it to life.
Then finally, finally mount him with one powerful thrust, and ride
him hard until they both forgot about those bloody radishes--
"Mr. Blackadder?"
He let go of himself. Baldrick's voice was more effective than ice-
cold water. "What is it?"
"I know you're on strike, sir, but I'm having trouble with some of
these butler duties. You see, the Prince wants me to cook an extra
big dinner tonight, but I'm not sure how to do it."
Blackadder sighed and pulled on his breeches. "Just give him that
thick broth you make for the rest of us. Serve it with a rat's tail,
and he'll probably think it's a new French dish."
"Well, he said something about being able to eat a horse tonight, but
I wasn't sure which one to pick. I mean, the Prince's charger, Black
Rubicon, looked rather lean. I was thinking that the white pony
might be more tender and juicy_"
"Not Misty, the aging Shetland pony beloved by the Prince and adored
by the Royal children?"
"Oh, is that what its name is?"
Blackadder threw the door open, and was assailed by the smell of
mildew and rot. That was nothing new. But there was a strong acrid
smell in the air, too. A bit like Baldrick, but stronger. Horse
dung.
"Baldrick, don't tell me you_"
A high-pitched whinny greeted him, followed a loud thud.
He stumbled past Baldrick through the corridor and entered the
kitchen.
Misty bared her teeth at him and whinnied again. Her halter was tied
to the chopping board, which now rested on the floor with an
overturned box of radishes. She thrashed her head helplessly, thick
mane flying as she tried to drag the board and herself around the
room, but her stubby legs were failing her.
*****
Blackadder surveyed the scene and took a deep breath. "Baldrick," he
spoke quietly, "what is that animal doing here?"
"Well, Mr. B., I didn't want to do the deed in the stables because
that's a dirty place. So I thought the kitchen would be cleaner."
"Of course." Blackadder grimaced at the pile of warm dung on the
floor.
"I had a devil of a job getting her through the side entrance and
down the stairs, but I finally managed it with the help of a big whip
and a bunch of carrots. So my only problem now is how to prepare
her." Baldrick picked up a meat cleaver. "I was thinking that a
blow to the head might be a good start."
Blackadder cuffed him on the ear. "You mean like this?"
Baldrick stumbled, but managed to regain his footing. "No, I was
thinking more a blow to the back of the neck, like what happens to
French noblemen. I've tried it on chickens, and it works well. They
do run around a bit and spray blood everywhere, but once they settle-"
Blackadder eyed Baldrick speculatively. "It's tempting, Balders,
very tempting. But I will do my best to resist. Now untie that poor
wretched creature before she turns this kitchen into a gardening
shed."
"But what about the Prince's dinner?"
"Let him eat broth like the rest of us."
"But we're out of broth. Mrs. Miggins hasn't come around to stock
the pantry yet."
"Then what do you have in the pantry at the moment?"
"Radishes. A box of them came in the other day."
"And they can go back where they came from!" Blackadder took another
slow deep breath. "Anything else?" he asked mildly.
"Well, we do have this turnip, sir. But I've developed a soft spot
for it. As a child I never had any pets of my own_"
"Yes, yes. But is there anything edible in this kitchen besides root
vegetables?"
Baldrick frowned at the words. "We do have a box of radishes, if you
prefer..."
"No, I do not prefer." Each syllable was carefully enunciated, as if
he were speaking to a dim-witted child.
"But maybe the Prince would like it."
Blackadder grabbed him by the collar, his control slipping.
"Baldrick, I bet the Prince would love it, but there is no way I will
tolerate such behavior as long as I am his butler. If I see a radish
anywhere near the Prince, I will personally take this meat cleaver
and do to you what you tried to do to that poor pony. Now, have I
made myself perfectly clear?"
"Yes, Mr. B. But what are we going to feed the Prince for dinner?"
"Anything, just not radishes!" Blackadder picked up the empty box of
radishes and threw it out the door. "I never want to see another
radish in this kitchen again!"
Baldrick watched, stunned. "I never knew you felt that way about
them, sir."
Blackadder stopped. It was not like him to take his temper out on
inanimate objects with Baldrick as an available target, but he had
been unprepared for the vicious anger he felt at the idea of the
Prince with a radish.
Unprepared for the depths of his own jealousy.
"Well, I do, Balders." He sat down, defeated. "I do."
*****
Prince George had a lot to think about that evening in his chambers.
He still had a strange after-taste in his mouth after sampling the
new dish from the kitchen, bouillon de queue de rongeur. He smacked
his lips. It was odd, but it did tend to grow on one after a while.
Then again, the French had a reputation for bizarre cuisine. George
shrugged. He was always willing to experiment and expand his
horizons. Or at least, his stomach.
He returned to the thorny problem of removing his clothes. It
shouldn't be that hard, and certainly, Blackadder always made it look
like child's play. But then, Blackadder had very nimble fingers.
And he was a very smart man.
But he was prone to mood swings. Like this morning, for instance.
George had no idea what had provoked that sudden fit of passion. Why,
Blackadder didn't even help him take off his shirt. That was most
unlike him. And as for leaving abruptly like that...it made no sense
at all.
He tugged at the fastenings, but they didn't budge. He tried to pull
it over his head, but it became stuck around his chest.
It was hopeless.
Baldrick had mentioned that Blackadder had taken ill, and George knew
that ill people could get quite cross at times. But who told
Blackadder he could become sick at such short notice? George
frowned. He certainly couldn't remember giving such an order. And
he never would. He didn't want Blackadder to be ill, ever.
Why, without Blackadder there would be no one to advise him. No one
to discuss matters of State, no one to listen as he recounted his
escapades at various receptions and gentlemen's clubs.
Life without Blackadder would be very lonely, indeed.
Especially since he would be doomed to wearing the same shirt and
underwear for the rest of his life. The stench would definitely keep
him off the guest list for royal functions, as well as keep away any
potential Princesses Regent.
This was worse, far worse, than he had ever imagined. He had to do
something. But what? He stroked his chin, and thought hard.
"This is a tricky one," he murmured to himself. Too tricky for a man
such as himself. He needed someone more cunning than a fox, a man
accustomed to devious methods, a man of intelligence and wit...
"Blackadder! Of course! He'll know what to do about all this." The
Prince rang the bell, then he remembered. Blackadder was ill.
He frowned. Well, ill or not, Blackadder's role as butler was to
serve him. And if there was a time he needed his services, it was
now. Blackadder would know how to save him from a life of misery and
isolation and smelling like a sewer.
Or at the very least, he'd be able to teach him how to get undressed.
His mind made up, George pulled a bed sheet around himself, and
wandered down to the servant's quarters. He had once managed to find
the kitchen after searching for about five hours. Surely, it would
be easier the second time around.
*****
In the kitchen, Baldrick sipped a spoonful of the rat's tail broth he
had made that morning. "It's not bad," he announced. "It's more
tasty than dung."
Blackadder stirred his broth, but said nothing. He wasn't hungry for
food. In fact, the idea of eating made him feel ill. Or perhaps it
was the awful realization that he was fixated not with a vegetable,
but with his master. Mindlessly optimistic to the point of
foolishness, Prince George was his complete opposite in class,
character and cerebral capacity.
Contemplating any relationship with him outside that dictated by
social convention was sheer lunacy.
"Did you hear that, Mr. B.?"
"Hear what?"
"That noise. Listen!"
Silence, then a soft moaning.
Baldrick dropped his spoon with a clatter. "It sounds like a ghost!"
"Hardly." Blackadder did not look up. "It's probably just a draft."
There was another moan, louder this time. It sounded a lot
like, "Help! Blackadder!"
Baldrick stood up, tense with fear. "It's coming closer!"
"A very strong draft," Blackadder amended, still stirring the soup.
"It was saying your name!"
The moaning stopped, cut off by a series of thuds that grew
successively louder.
"It's coming down the stairs!"
Blackadder listened. "Probably a cockroach. Now, I've told you time
and time again, they are pests, not pets. If you feed them they'll
become bigger, and before you know it, they'll be clawing furniture
and chewing shoes."
A mass of white sheets tumbled down the stairwell onto the floor.
Baldrick jumped behind Blackadder's chair and ducked in terror. "I
told you, it's a ghost! Do something, Mr. B."
"Ghosts do not fall down stairs, Baldrick."
"How do you know? Clumsy ones would."
A muffled voice came from the mass of white sheets. "Ohhhh...my
head!"
Recognizing it at once, Blackadder pulled the sheets away with a
flourish. "Prince George! Are you all right, your Highness?"
The Prince shook his head. "Where am I?"
"You're in the kitchen, sir. You fell down the stairs with a sheet
over your head. Perhaps a trifle unwise of you."
"Oh, I remember. I was trying to find you and I got lost in the maze
of stairs. Then I slipped on the damn sheet."
"Are you all right? Can you move your limbs?"
George sat up, rubbing his brow. "My head feels like it's been
trampled by a stampede of elephants, but I think I'll live."
"Are you sure, sir? We can send for the royal physician."
"Don't be absurd, Blackadder. I am perfectly fine."
"Thank goodness. Get a chair, Baldrick, and make some tea."
Blackadder helped the Prince up and dusted him off. "Sir, it's ten
o'clock. You know you are not to wander the cellar at night."
"Ten? I think I left the chambers at eight. That makes it two
hours." George grinned. "I'm getting much better at finding the
kitchen now."
"With all due respect, your Highness, what insanity possessed you to
come here like this?"
"I had to find you, Blackadder. Becoming sick is most unlike you,
and I don't remember ordering you to do so. I needed to make sure
you were well." He reached out and gripped Blackadder's hand.
Blackadder swallowed. Having the Prince so near seemed to short-
circuit his higher thought processes. All he could make sense of was
the warm, firm strength of his master's hand. It sent a sweet jolt
of awareness up his arm, and down into his groin.
He kept his gaze averted. "I-I am fine, sir. Quite recovered, thank
you."
"Hurrah! Wonderful news! I am so relieved. While you were away, I
found I needed you more than I ever thought possible."
Blackadder decided he had to be hallucinating. To hear his innermost
thoughts being spoken by the object of his lust... It simply could
not be true. It had to be a figment of his overheated imagination.
He dared to look up. One look at the Prince, at his usual expression
of bovine incomprehension, would be the perfect antidote to his ardour.
But the large gray eyes gleamed with warmth. The curve of his mouth
was kindly. Freed of the ridiculous white wig, his chestnut brown
hair was wavy but unusually short. Perhaps keeping it short made it
less itchy for him to wear the wig. It was certainly not fashionable
for the times, but it suited the angular planes of his face.
"Why, who's going to help me with all my clothes? They're pretty
complicated things. I know I'm not the most intelligent of men, so I
have the deepest respect for men who know what they're on about. And
you, Blackadder, have always struck me as being very bright.
Brighter than a brain pie, I always say."
"Yes, that's true, your Highness." But not smart enough to avoid
this ludicrous fixation. Not smart enough to realize the futility of
lusting after his master. No, Baldrick and Prince George were not
the only fools in the household. Perhaps stupidity was a contagious
disease after all.
"Your Highness." Baldrick held out a bowl of broth. "My mother used
to give me chicken soup when I was ill, sir. Now this isn't chicken,
and it isn't really soup, but I thought it might help you recover
from that fall. Would you like_"
"No, he would not," Blackadder snapped. Having resigned himself to
joining their ranks, he was determined to minimize his contact with
other fools as much as humanly possible. As far as he was concerned,
there was one too many idiots here. Someone had to go. "We need
some ice and vinegar to apply to any bruises. Balders, I want you to
go and find some ice."
"But it's the middle of summer!"
"Exactly why you must make haste, before the snow in Scotland melts
away. Meanwhile, I will escort the Prince back to his chambers and
attend to him there. Providing you have no objection, your Highness?"
"None at all. This place does smell a bit whiffy, doesn't it? A lot
like the stables."
"It must be your imagination, sir." He guided the Prince to his
feet, wrapped the sheet around his shoulders, and propelled him
towards the stairwell. "Time for you to go to bed."
"You may be right." The Prince yawned. "Goodnight, Baldrick. Have
a safe trip."
"And don't come back without that ice." Blackadder left Baldrick
behind with barely a second glance.
*****
If Blackadder were in any doubt that the Prince would be lost without
him, the sight of the Prince's bedroom chamber would have sent that
thought flying out the window: bed sheets strewn about the room,
overturned jars of toiletries and spilt powder on the dressing table.
With his hands placed respectfully behind his back, he indicated the
mess with an inclination of his head. "Doing a bit of spring-
cleaning, I see."
George nodded, pleased. "Well, I thought I'd tidy the place up a bit
while you were ill. I had to do something to pass the time. Mind
you, it's still in progress at the moment."
"Yes." Blackadder picked up the sheets and hastily flung them onto
the bed. It was not part of his duties, but it would be too much
trouble to summon one of the maids. "Why don't you prepare for bed,
sir? You can continue your demolition tomorrow."
"Very well, Blackadder." George yawned and stretched. "I have had
the most exhausting day. Staying awake for seven hours without a nap
is quite a record for me."
Blackadder glanced at him. Unfortunately, undressing the Prince was
one of his duties, one he had performed many times without a fraction
of interest. But now, being alone with the Prince in his chambers
was simply too close to his secret desires. He steeled himself, and
reached for the fastenings of the Prince's shirt.
"No, Blackadder." George batted his hands away. "I want you to show
me how to take off my clothes."
"What?"
"It occurred to me that if I ever managed to get together with an
attractive bird, I should know how to undress. Just in case she
wanted to engage in some naughty night-time action." He grinned and
gave Blackadder a nudge.
"Sir, there are some activities that are considered below men of
noble blood."
"I know, but getting one's gear off can't be that hard. At the
Naughty Hell Fire Club it didn't take them that long to undress me."
Blackadder winced. "Sir, I would appreciate it if you never, ever,
mention the name of that club in my presence again."
"But why in heaven's name not? The Naughty Hell Fire Club is a
perfectly reputable gentlemen's club."
"I beg your pardon, sir, but 'reputable' is not the word I would use
to describe that club, and I use the word 'club' loosely. If you
consider the company of well-dressed, sex-mad baboons with walnuts
for brains entertaining fare, then I suppose The Naughty Hell Fire
Club qualifies as one of the above institutions." He was a trifle
more sarcastic than he had intended, but he could no longer remain
silent. "However, the words 'mental asylum' would probably fit just
as well."
"I resent your tone of voice!" The Prince straightened and lifted
his chin. When he rose to his full height, he had at least three
inches over Blackadder. "Many of my friends are members of this
club. Are you casting a slur on their reputations, and my own, by
your remarks?"
Blackadder couldn't conceal his sneer. "You have already done enough
to damage your reputation without my help."
"How dare you speak to me in such a manner? You are here to serve me
and, by God, that is what you will do!"
"Fine," Blackadder snapped. "You want me to show you how to
undress?" He seized George's shirt. "Well, you just take either end
of your shirt, like so...and then you pull...like so." Buttons
popped off, and the shirt gaped open to revealing pale flesh, and
small brown nipples. Reddish-brown hair dusted his chest, and formed
a line arrowing down into his breeches. Blackadder stared,
transfixed, his hands still clutching the shirt.
George peered down. "Are the buttons supposed to fall off like that?"
"It...it is one unfortunate disadvantage, your Highness." Blackadder
could feel the warmth of the skin through the shirt. If he relaxed
his grip, his knuckles would be touching bare flesh.
"Never mind, you can't win them all. So what comes next?"
*****
Blackadder couldn't speak. He opened his mouth, and was seized with
a sudden urge to press his lips against the long planes of George's
neck, run his tongue over the mound of his Adam's apple, nip at the
soft skin over his collarbone...
"Wait, I've got it. We rip off the sleeves now, right?"
...silence the childish prattle with a hard kiss.
The idea transmuted into blinding need. Blackadder slid his hands up
to grasp the Prince's collar, and before he knew it, they were locked
in a passionate kiss. George seemed frozen with shock, neither
responsive nor repelled. His stillness allowed Blackadder to shift
his hands down the open shirt, stroking lean muscles.
When Blackadder moved away to draw breath, George's lips clung to
his, as if reluctant to let go. His eyes, a mesmerizing shade of
gray-blue, were wide with wonder and amazement. His lips parted in
surprise, and his cheeks were flushed.
It was a compelling enough reason to kiss him again, and push him
onto the bed. With George beneath him, he was free to let loose the
hunger at last. His lips slid restlessly to the angular jaw and ear,
his hands roved over abdomen and crotch, and his hips surged against
hard flesh.
"Bladders!" George gasped, arching up in helpless surprise. His
fingers reached for Blackadder's head, clenching spasmodically in the
dark locks.
Blackadder hated being called that, but it no longer mattered.
Nothing mattered but this fantasy made flesh. Not rank, not
intellect, not even bizarre nicknames could stop him. He tasted the
tang of perspiration within the hollows of collarbone, while he
inhaled the sweet scent of perfume. No dirt, no grime...just pale
smooth skin, dusted lightly with fine hairs.
George's voice was high-pitched, uncertain. "Bladders, what...what
game is this? What is_"
Blackadder covered his mouth again, so the words became a muffled
moan. Though reluctant, George was not fighting him off. His body,
once rigid with horror, now relaxed with bewildered acceptance. Torn
between pulling him away and bringing him closer, George's fingers
had settled for stroking his scalp, a sweet caress that sent waves of
delicious pleasure trickling down his spine.
"Sir." Blackadder's voice was barely audible above the sounds of
their mutual gasping. He rested his forehead against George's for a
moment, and shivered at the sensation of warm breath against his
neck. He could feel the rapid rise and fall of his master's chest,
an echo of his own. With an effort, he sat back on his haunches
between the Prince's legs and disrobed with indecent haste. The
sight of George sprawled out before him--brilliant eyes glazed with
passion, lips swollen with kisses--acted as goad and inspiration to
his frantic efforts. Once unencumbered, he returned to the Prince's
tight fitting breeches.
"Allow me to demonstrate how to remove your trousers." He scowled as
he fumbled at the buttons. Despite his experience in performing this
task, his fingers were clumsy and slow.
George lifted his head to watch. "Maybe I should sit up."
With the fly buttons free, Blackadder thrust his hand past the folds
to squeeze heated flesh.
"No!" George cried, eyes scrunched in pain. He jerked off the
mattress like a marionette.
"Yes!" Blackadder told him, and with one tug stripped him of breeches
and drawers. He allowed himself a moment to take in the gorgeous
sight of George virtually nude, the open shirt concealing nothing.
He lowered himself beside George. "Hush, sweet Prince." He took
hold of the deflated cock and stroked gently, a slow and easy rhythm.
"No." George tried to twist away, but it was merely a token effort.
His erection was returning despite his resistance, filling
Blackadder's hand.
"Hush." Blackadder allowed his palm to caress the head, before
returning to grip and pull at the shaft. By spreading the moisture
at the tip to the rest of the cock, he wanted to bring George more
pleasure. Much to his relief, it seemed to be working. George no
longer resisted him. But with his eyes were shut and lips pursed, it
was hard to tell if the experience was delight or torture.
Touched by a strange impulse, Blackadder kissed the damp forehead as
he eased their bodies together. "Think...think of radishes if it
will make it easier."
The cock twitched in his hand, and brilliant gray eyes fluttered
open. "Have you tried it?"
"No! However, recently I have started...to wonder." Blackadder
lowered his gaze, affecting shy modesty. "If I could watch you, to
see how you found it, just to make sure that it wasn't...
unpleasant..."
"Oh, I'd be happy to show you." George smiled. This was something
that *he* knew, something his smart-as-a-brass-button butler knew
nothing of. "Do you have a radish?"
"No." Blackadder guided George so that they lay facing each other.
With their erections aligned, he began stroking them together with
both hands. "But I have something else that would be ideal for the
purpose."
"You do?" George shivered under the touch, reveling in the contact.
"Mmm-hmm." He allowed his thumb to brush over sensitized heads,
giving and receiving pleasure, and deliberately lingering over George
a fraction longer.
The result took Blackadder by surprise. George clutched his
shoulders and pulled their bodies together. He thrust his hips in
unmistakable aggression, seeking more friction. Blackadder found
himself arching too, keen to continue this erotic dueling. The
rawness of it was new and exciting for him. Wanting more, he rolled
above George, and used his weight and leverage to intensify the
sensations. George thrust up to meet him, no longer in pain, and
stifled a moan in the hollow of his shoulder. The hot tongue and
sharp teeth drew forth a shudder from Blackadder, and urged him to a
sudden frenzy of movement.
Abruptly, George stiffened. He shut his eyes and threw his head
back, throat muscles working as he cried out in triumph. Warm wet
seed gushed between them.
Blackadder stilled. His cock ached but he ignored it, completely
hypnotized by George's beauty. He bent his head and ran his tongue
along the smooth skin covering the Prince's throat.
"Blackadder." Sleepy eyes, an intriguing mixture of gray and blue,
blinked up at him.
"I'm here." Blackadder was ready, more than ready. He shifted
restlessly against George's lax genitals. "I want to see...the
radishing."
"Of course." George smiled up at him, a lazy sensual grin that sat
well on his features. He ran fingertips lightly down Blackadder's
spine, a caress that soothed yet aroused. "But I'm all out of
radishes. And, even if we had one, I don't know what we can use to_"
"Do not worry, sir. I have a brilliant idea." Blackadder wrenched
himself away, and looked about wildly. He did not need a radish, but
something to ease the way would help. The tin of pomade used for
styling the Prince's wigs caught his eye.
He applied some of it to himself, resisting the desire to
masturbate. It was tempting to do so, with the sight of George on
his side, facing away as he cleaned himself with a sheet. His
buttocks, firm and lean, presented a picture that bore an eerie
resemblance to Blackadder's fantasy. How could any mortal man resist?
He couldn't any longer. He pounced on the bed, lifted the lax body
by the hips, and pushed into him. It was more a tribute to blind
luck and George's torpor that he was able to sink deep with the first
thrust. Warm wet tightness squeezed him, milked him, enveloped him.
It was wonderful. He growled in satisfaction, watching as he
appeared between pale cheeks, then sank within again.
George moaned softly, and as before, began moving with him in
counterpoint. The gentle swaying allowed Blackadder to move even
deeper inside. He tightened his hold, and forced himself to continue
this slow steady rhythm. He wanted to draw this perfection out for
as long as possible. Pure physical perfection.
"Bladders...yes..."
The mangled name jarred him a little. How could it be that a man who
was thicker than a whale omelette was also so attuned to his sexual
needs? The very idea was beyond comprehension. He was one of a long
line of Blackadders, a family feared for their treachery and
cunning. George was known far and wide as the stupid Prince with an
insane dad.
George shifted beneath him, restless. His flesh tightened around
Blackadder, making him gasp. Distracted, Blackadder fell forward,
grasping chest and abdomen to keep him close. He continued the
steady undulation of his hips, and ran his hands over George's body.
The muscles beneath his fingers heaved as George panted beneath him.
Taut and heated, damp with effort, a stark contrast to the welcoming
flesh around his cock. Over George's shoulder, Blackadder saw the
fingers gripping the sheets, white-knuckled as they strained to
support their combined weight.
He listened to the soft wet sounds they made as they moved together,
the gasps George uttered mingled with his own harsh breathing.
Searing heat and mingled sweat melded them, transmitted through the
friction of George's linen shirt. As their flesh merged in
irresistible union, it occurred to Blackadder that, for this short
period of time, they were of one mind. United in their striving for
sexual fulfilment.
But aside from that, they had absolutely nothing in common.
Absolutely nothing.
After all, the Prince was an utter dolt. Who else would be foolish
enough to take lessons in public speaking from a couple of pompous
actors, casting aside the counsel of his faithful butler? Who else
could be so infatuated with the exploits of the Scarlet Pimpernel
that he would invite strange Frenchmen home for tea?
Blackadder gripped George tightly as the awful realization hit him.
No! He was not--could not--be jealous. Why should he care if the
Prince preferred the company of others?
But he did. The mere idea of it insensed him.
He drove into George hard and fast, fueled by this inexplicable
anger. Beneath him, George cried out and nearly pitched forward, but
managed to find purchase on the rumpled sheets. Gasping for air, he
bent forward and used his forearms to balance himself, then lifted
his pelvis higher to meet the thrusts.
Above him, Blackadder groaned in mingled ecstasy and frustration as
he continued his onslaught. He wanted to wound and dominate, but
instead he was welcomed and accepted. George was adapting to his
demands, absorbing his ferocity and giving pleasure in return. The
generosity angered him, even as it aroused him to near agony. Was
George like this when he was radished in the Naughty Hell Fire Club?
Through the maelstrom of sensations, one thought was left. He did
not want George to go to the Naughty Hell Fire Club ever again.
Blackadder slowed his thrusts, ignoring the soft moan of protest. He
ran his tongue along the whorls of George's ear.
"Please...Bladders..."
"Tell me something," Blackadder whispered.
"Anything. Just don't stop."
"How do I compare to the radish?"
George made a choking sound, between a laugh and a sob. "Better.
Much...better."
Blackadder found himself relaxing at the words. He reached down to
milk George's erection as reward, and began thrusting anew, releasing
his self-imposed control at long last. When he climaxed, he clutched
George like a lifeline as he did so.
Hidden from his view, George was grinning as he was buggered
senseless.
*****
Clean white pillows. Sunlight through gauzy curtains. A hand idly
stroking his hair. No servant bells.
It took a while for Blackadder to realize he was not dreaming. He
turned his head, and met glowing gray-blue eyes. With his chestnut
hair falling across his brow, George looked as sweet as a schoolboy.
Innocent and sweet, and just ripe for the picking.
"Good morning, your Highness."
"Isn't it, Bladders? You know, I've discovered the most amazing
thing."
In the haze of utter satiation, Blackadder felt unusually prone to
indulging him. "What?"
"The sun takes an incredibly long time to get up into the sky. It
doesn't suddenly pop up like a weasel, but it spends ages doing it.
I only noticed because I happened to wake up really early, and I saw
a small amount of light. And I thought, 'Hey, the sun is normally
much brighter than that.'"
Blackadder frowned as he listened. Strange how George's beauty
diminished the moment words came out of his mouth.
"Then I looked at the time, and I couldn't believe it. Eight
o'clock! I have never woken up so early in my entire life."
Blackadder pulled George down and kissed him. A rather desperate
act, considering that neither man had yet been to the bathroom to
brush their teeth, but anything was better than listening to George
talk. How could a man look so beautiful, yet speak such drivel?
"Sir, I have a request to make of you."
"I'd love to, Bladders, but I think my rear end needs a bit of a rest
for a few hours."
"Perfectly understandable, sir." Blackadder managed to stifle his
smirk. "But I was thinking about what my status will be in the
household now that I am no longer your butler."
"What?" George grabbed his shoulder. "Blackadder, don't tell me
you're leaving?"
"Well, sir, I can hardly share your bed while I am in your employ as
butler. The other servants will gossip, and the rumor will spread
that you are a cruel master who thinks nothing of taking sexual
advantage of his servants, using them to satisfy his insatiable
carnal appetites."
George sat up, horrified. "Oh my God! This is terrible! What are
we going to do?"
"Do not fear, sir, for I have a cunning plan. What you must do is to
elevate my social standing and increase my yearly income to ensure we
are free to associate without suspicion. By appointing me as a new
lord, no one would dare cast such slander on our reputations."
"Excellent, Bladders! I shall fetch my robes of state and find some
ermine for you, and we can do it this very afternoon." He pulled the
cord for the servant's bell.
"Very good, sir." Blackadder lounged on the bed, incredibly pleased
with himself. A title and guaranteed income for turning up to
Parliament when he felt like it, plus the Prince Regent as his sexual
plaything. Not bad at all for a morning's work.
The bedroom doors opened, and Baldrick entered, filthy as ever,
carrying a large box.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Blackadder snapped. "You're
supposed to be in Scotland."
"I couldn't go to Scotland because you didn't give me any money. So
I went down to the Thames and got some lemon rind I saw floating with
the rest of the sewerage. My mum swears by it as being the perfect
cure for aches and pains."
"Hah! I suppose dying from cholera would put an end to such minor
complaints."
"Now, now, Bladders, settle down. Baldrick is our new butler."
"Him? In heaven's name, why?"
"After years of loyal service, I can see that he is a man of
discretion, diligence and integrity."
"Well, sir, there are other issues to consider." He regarded
Baldrick with unconcealed disgust. "For example, personal hygiene."
Baldrick ignored Blackadder in favor of speaking directly to the
Prince. "Your Highness, I brought up the things you asked for."
"Excellent! Place them over here by my side of the bed."
"What things?" Blackadder asked suspiciously.
"I thought I'd surprise you." George reached out to play with a
strand of Blackadder's hair. "I'm sorry for disappointing you last
night. I wanted to make it up to you."
Somewhat puzzled, Blackadder smiled back. "I assure you, sir, you
should not have troubled yourself. There is nothing you could give
me that would surpass what you gave me last night."
"Tish! Nonsense! And I even got Baldrick to find us more of that
pomade. Just as well, since we cleaned out the entire tin last
night."
Blackadder couldn't help but notice that Baldrick was leering at
him. If he didn't know the man was an imbecile, he might have
thought it rather malicious. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing, Mr. B."
George clapped his hands. "Baldrick, bring up some breakfast for
us. Some of that delicious French broth would be perfect."
A niggle of unease persisted in Blackadder's mind after Baldrick
left. "Sir, what did you get for me?"
"Now, now, Bladders, it's a surprise. Telling you will spoil
everything."
"Sir, if there is anything I hate in life, it is any kind of
surprise. Give me boring predictability any day."
"Well, Bladders, I know how it's your first time so I thought that we
might practice today. I bet a man of your brains will have no
trouble getting accustomed_"
"No!" A horrible suspicion occurred to Blackadder. "Don't tell me
it's..." He reached over the Prince to take a look at the box.
Crimson-red radishes. Lots of them. The smallest were at least as
large as a man's fist.
All for him.
Blackadder froze, suddenly speechless.
"There, there." George took him in his arms. "There's no need to
thank me. What more could a man do for his dearest friend?" He
stroked Blackadder's hair fondly. "I was thinking that the best way
is to start with the smaller ones and work our way up. What do you
think of that?"
"Sir." He swallowed nervously. "Words are inadequate to describe my
feelings. But there is one thing I would like to say."
George kissed his nose. "Yes, what is it?"
"I hope you will not think it ungrateful of me if I were to speak so
plainly."
"Nonsense, Bladders. Your honesty is one of your charms. I grant
you permission to speak as plainly as you wish."
"Thank you, sir." Blackadder took a deep breath in and out. Then he
inhaled a second time, and let it out as a familiar roar that echoed
to the cellar of Carlton House and rocked the
foundations: "BALDRICK! YOU BASTARD!"
END