Fandom: Friends
Pairing: none
Rating: NC-17 - for adult terms
Archive: Slashcom, other- sure, but ask me first
Series/Sequel: no
Spoilers: To many 1st-5th series episodes. Set somewhere during 5th series.  
Summary: Chandler has just simply had enough.
Disclaimer: "Friends" belong to people they belong to and it's not me. I'm just fooling aroung. Song lyrics are from "No Matter What" by A. L Webber and Boyzone
Note: This fic is my voice of opposition against the world that tries to teach us that being gay is something wrong. It's not wrong, like it's not wrong being straight, black, white, Christian, Jewish and many others. Different doesn't mean worse.
WARNING: Heavy angst warning!


by Kirke

He'd had enough. He just couldn't take it anymore. It was too much for him, too much.

He knew he was acting like a coward but then, what was new? All his life was like that - hiding, pretending, running away from problems.

And lying of course.

He was good at that one. So good, he sometimes believed himself but, unfortunately, the truth was out there. Always.

What an irony. This decision he'd made was cowardly, but if he didn't make it, it would still be cowardly.

Life was a bitch sometimes.

He wanted to explain everything to his friends but he didn't have the guts. They would hate him forever. He was doing it for them.

No, that was an unfair thought. He was doing it only for himself. He was the reason, no one else. But yes, it would make their lives easier. He was hurting them but it was better to hurt them one big time and let them get over it than hurt them over and over and over again. And if one day the truth splipped... Good he decided to do it now, rather than then. Better safe than sorry.

His friends. Yes, they were good people, good friends. He would give his life for them. He snickered. It looked like he just had.

Monica. He loved her. He really did. But not the way he should. He should love her better, she *deserved* better. He couldn't give that to her. God, he tried so hard,   but he couldn't.

Ross. His best friend. They knew each other so well. Failing him so badly was out of the question. Never again would he go through that hell again, not because of him.

He chuckled. What was wrong with those Gellers anyway? Always falling for queers.

Phoebe. His beautiful, wide-eyed Phoebe. He hopped she would be fine in the future. She'd gone through so much and survived. He wished he could be strong like her.

Rachel. She was the brave one. She'd left a warm family nest to lead a life she wanted. He was sure that she would understand one day that Ross was her destiny. They will be happy together.


Chandler let out a keening sound but quickly suppressed himself. Not like that. He had to think about nice things. Happy thoughts.

Like when Joey kissed him at Monica's Christmas party or bought him that stupid, gold bracelet he hated so much, or made him spend all thanksgiving in a box.

He smiled slowly. Now, that's better. It would be so stupid to die being sad.

He remembered first time he realized his feelings toward Joey. It was when Joey moved out. He remembered sitting on the window railing, watching falling rain drops, thinking about him. And then that thought just struck him.

He was never so scared in his entire life.

Yes, he loved that man. It was wrong, wicked, he knew that and he tried so hard not to feel that way but he couldn't.

How did that song go?

'I can't deny what I believe, I can't be what I'm not.'

That guy knew what he was singing about.

His mother. No. He couldn't think about her. Poor mummy. All the men in her life were such a big disappointment for her. He wasn't any better.

His father. That was strange. Although he always despised him, he couldn't think of anything wrong about him at that moment. More, he thought about him almost as a hero. He should have hated him. It was all his fault...

No it wasn't.

He had established that before- he was the only one to blame.

Shit. He started to fall apart. How long it would take those pills to kick in??

He took a pen from a night table and slowly scrambled two words on a piece of paper.

'Forgive me'

God, he hopped they would.

A single tear rolled down his face but Chandler didn't feel it. He didn't feel anything anymore.



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