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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to Blackadder. This is just a fun piece of slash fan fiction for enjoyment. -- Jean Akins --
[What if 'Bob' really was Bob, not Kate disguised as a boy? Let's say that's the case here. We now begin our tale shortly after Lord Edmund Blackadder tells Bob he wants him to leave his service and become his live-in chum. Bob is happy to hear that. Blackadder then reassures Bob that he is no way interested in the contents of his tights.]
Bob, or Bells, the Slash Version
By Jean Atkins
BOB: You're not? You're not even the tiniest bit interested?
BLACKADDER (with a nervous laugh): No, not at all. We're very good friends, nothing more than that.
BOB (hiding his disappointment): Oh. Well, all right. If you say so, my lord. What shall we do, now that we're chums living together?
BLACKADDER: Anything we like.
BOB: Anything? (smiles coyly and stands very close to Blackadder)
BLACKADDER: Yes, anything. Goodness, you smell good. What are you wearing?
BOB: Other than my clothes, nothing.
BLACKADDER: You mean you naturally smell like this?
BOB: I've never given much thought to it, but yes. And I find you to be most enjoyable to be near, my lord.
BLACKADDER: Well, thank you, Bob. And now that you're no longer my manservant, I'll have Baldrick go back to working for me at his old wages. He'll be happy to hear that. But he'll still have to sleep on the roof, as there's no room indoors for him.
BOB: There could be room for him, my lord. I wouldn't mind giving up my room so Baldrick can have it. That is, if you don't mind sharing your bed with me.
BLACKADDER (unable to control himself any longer): Share my bed with you? Oh, who am I kidding? Bob, I want to be more than just good friends with you. Much more! Did you mean it when you told me that you love me?
BOB: Oh, yes, my lord. With all my heart.
BLACKADDER: I love you, too, Bob. I can't deny it any longer. Ever since that day you walked into my home, you're all I can think of, all I dream of having.
BOB: My lord! I'm so happy to hear you say that!
BLACKADDER: Kiss me, Bob!
They embrace and share a very long passionate kiss.
SCENE: Blackadder's bedroom. He and Bob are lying in bed together.
BOB: I want this moment to last forever. It feels so right being here with you holding me close.
BLACKADDER: I know what you mean. (kisses Bob)
BOB: I can't wait to tell my father about us!
BLACKADDER: Uh, what do you mean?
BOB: Why, I mean share the good news that I've finally met my one true love.
BLACKADDER: Were you planning to tell anyone else other than your father?
BOB: Oh, yes! I'd like to shout it from the highest tower, sing it from the highest mountain!
BLACKADDER: Uh, Bob, dear. Perhaps it would be best if we just keep this good news here, and have it go no further than these four walls.
BOB: Edmund, are you ashamed of me? Ashamed of us?
BLACKADDER: Well, I do have my station in life to consider. What if the queen were to learn of this?
BOB: What of it? I'm not ashamed of being in love with you. I thought you felt the same.
BLACKADDER: I fear I'm not ready to be as open about our relationship as you are. Perhaps later I might be ready. Much later. Like long after I've passed away.
BOB: Oh. (obviously disappointed)
BLACKADDER: Bob? You understand, don't you? Please don't be upset with me.
BOB: All right. I'll keep this a secret. For now, I'll just be very happy to be with you. I do love you, Edmund.
BLACKADDER: And I love you, Bob.
SCENE: The next day. Blackadder and Bob are having breakfast. There is a knock at the door.
BLACKADDER: Come in.
The door opens. We see a very beautiful woman in her early thirties who smiles at Blackadder.
BLACKADDER: Jane! Why, this is a surprise! Uh, Jane, this is Bob, my live-in chum. Bob, this is Lady Jane Pottle.
LADY JANE: How do you do, Bob? Edmund, where's my hello kiss?
She embraces Blackadder and gives him a very long passionate kiss, much to Bob's dismay.
LADY JANE: So, Bob. When did Edmund take you in as his live-in chum?
BOB: Yesterday. How long have you known Edmund?
LADY JANE: A few years. We have an off-and-on relationship. But I'm back in town and ready to pick up where we left off. What do you say, Edmund? Did you miss me? Of course you did! I still remember those nights when you made hot passionate love to me! Why on earth did I leave you? Well, now that I'm here we can make up for all that lost time.
BLACKADDER: Uh, yes. Jane, could you please excuse us for a few minutes? I need to speak with Bob privately.
LADY JANE: I just arrived, and you're pushing me out already?
BLACKADDER: Please, Jane. We'll have the rest of the day to spend together. Just give me a few minutes.
LADY JANE: All right. But just a few minutes.
She leaves and Blackadder closes the door. He turns to Bob.
BOB: You're going to spend the rest of the day with her?
BLACKADDER: She's traveled a long way to see me, Bob. What could I say?
BOB: You could say you're with me now and that we're in love.
BLACKADDER: I'm not ready to be open about us. We discussed this last night.
BOB: Well, what I am supposed to do while you're with her? Do you expect me to happy about this?
BLACKADDER: Bob, I'll break the news to her. But I can't do it today. Jane and I have a history.
BOB: Edmund, you may have had a history with her, but if you want a future with me, you'll have to make a choice. You can't have it both ways. I'm going out for the day. When I return tonight, tell me what you've decided.
Bob grabs his cloak, opens the door and leaves. Lady Jane walks into the room, turns to see Bob leave and gives Blackadder a puzzled look.
SCENE: The streets of London where we see Bob taking a walk as he ponders his situation. He stops in front of a clothing boutique and admires the beautiful dress in the window. He smiles and enters the boutique.
Meanwhile, back at Blackadder's home:
LADY JANE: Edmund, you seem so distant. Aren't you happy to see me?
BLACKADDER: Yes, of course, Jane. Of course. It's always a pleasure to see you. You're as beautiful as ever.
LADY JANE: And you're as handsome as ever. Why is it that wherever I go, I always end up coming back to you?
She takes hold of his hands.
LADY JANE: If I recall, your bedroom is over this way, right?
She smiles and pulls him toward his bedroom. Blackadder smiles nervously back.
BLACKADDER: Eager as ever, aren't you, Jane?
LADY JANE: Can you blame me? How can you expect me to resist you and your beautiful eyes, your gorgeous hair, your sexy lips, and your perfect sinewy physique? Oh, Edmund, please take me now! I need you! It's been too long since you've satisfied me beyond my wildest dreams!
BLACKADDER: Jane, there's something I should tell you.
LADY JANE: Not now, darling. Let's not talk. Let's just do it!
She kneels in front of Blackadder and is about to satisfy him in a most intimate manner as he stands right there.
BLACKADDER: Oh, God! Oh, yes! Yes! Good God, yes!
SCENE: Mrs. Miggins's Pie Shop. We see Bob wearing the dress from the boutique window. He looks very much like an attractive girl complete with makeup and hairdo. Some of the male customers in the shop smile and give him approving nods. The door opens and in comes a tall, blond swaggering fellow. It is Lord Flashheart.
FLASHHEART: You can all applaud now. Flashheart is here! Flash by name. Flash by nature!
Mrs. Miggins and the customers all cheer and applaud. That is, everyone except for Bob. He glances over at Flashheart, then turns away, unimpressed, and continues sipping his tea. Flash notices that Bob is not cheering and applauding. He walks over to Bob.
FLASHHEART (whispering into Bob's ear): Perhaps you didn't hear me, my lovely bird. I said you can all applaud now. I'm here. Or perhaps my beauty has blinded you, thus rendering you helpless.
BOB: Oh, I heard you just fine. Why is it important to you whether or not I applaud? You have plenty of admirers already from what I can see here.
FLASHHEART: I get it. This lovely bird is trying to play hard to get! No need for games, you luscious beauty, you! I'll give you just what you're yearning for!
He quickly grabs Bob and gives him a passionate kiss. Bob is taken completely by surprise and struggles to break free from Flashheart's grasp.
Flashheart finishes kissing Bob, then smiles as he releases the boy from his powerful embrace.
FLASHHEART: There. Now you can die a happy woman for having been kissed by the great Flashheart.
Bob stares at Flashheart.
BOB: I don't think I've ever met anyone before who's so completely full of himself. Don't ever do that to me again. Understand?
FLASHHEART: What's this? Oh, I see. Look, everyone. This lovely little bird is still playing hard to get.
The others in the pie shop laugh.
BOB: Just leave me alone. (turns to Mrs. Miggins) Mrs. Miggins, I need to powder my nose. Where is --?
MRS. MIGGINS (pointing): Through that door over there, dearie.
BOB: Thank you.
Bob leaves to take care of some personal business. While he's doing that, he doesn't see Flashheart slip a small dosage of powder into his teacup and stir it carefully. A few minutes later Bob returns and finishes drinking his tea. Flashheart is chatting with some of the other customers, but he keeps glancing over at Bob and watches him drink the drugged tea. A few minutes later Bob falls asleep at the table. Flashheart walks over to him, picks him up and carries him toward the door.
FLASHHEART: Poor bird can't handle her tea. I'll see that she gets safely tucked into bed. But not necessarily HER bed! WOOF! WOOF!
He leaves the shop and the customers laugh and cheer.
SCENE: Flashheart's hotel suite. It is a beautiful suite, very elegantly decorated. Bob, still wearing the dress, is asleep on the large bed. Flashheart is outside in the hall on his way to the suite. He is chatting with some acquaintances in the hall.
FLASHHEART: Nice talking with you. Must go now. I plucked me a luscious tasty young bird from that pie shop, and now I'm ready to devour her! WOOF! WOOF!
He opens the door to his suite, steps in, closes and locks the door. He removes his jacket and boots, and then peels away the rest of his clothing. Bob is starting to awaken and feels very groggy. The boy looks around and is confused by his unfamiliar surroundings.
Flashheart struts about the room in all his naked glory. He then walks toward the bed and smiles at Bob. Bob looks up at Flashheart, then realizes what must have happened.
BOB: Oh, God. No. Please, no.
FLASHHEART: What? Can't believe your good luck? You should feel privileged that out of all the lovely birds in that shop, I picked you to be my companion for the night. Let's get you out of that lovely frock.
BOB: Don't touch the dress. I bought it just this morning, and I might need to return it.
FLASHHEART: Whatever. Just take it off. Now.
BOB: No. Go away.
FLASHHEART: Neither of us is leaving this room until I get what I came here for. Now take off that dress or I'll rip it off of your body. Actually, I'm hoping you'll say no. Tearing that dress off of you would be such a turn-on for me.
BOB: You don't understand. I'm already involved with someone. In fact, he's probably wondering where I am right now. What time is it? (looks at the clock on the nightstand) Eight o'clock! I should have been home a couple of hours ago!
FLASHHEART: Forget about him, whoever he is. Look at me. I'm not such a bad-looking fellow, right? Why, I'm downright gorgeous! How can you resist me?
BOB: It's not you. It's me. I just prefer men with dark hair and beards. You're a good-looking fellow in the conventional sense, and I'm sure you could have your pick of any woman out there. But I'm not interested in you, okay? Now I'm going to walk out of this room and you're going to stay here and not get in my way. Understand?
Bob rushes off the bed and hurries toward the door. He tries to open it, but it's still locked.
BOB: Unlock this door, please.
FLASHHEART: Of course. Right after I've shagged me one very lucisous young bird.
He walks toward Bob, a very determined look on his face. Bob is becoming frightened now. Flashheart is obviously physically stronger than him, and could easily overpower him. And once he sees Bob is really a boy, he might become angry and violent.
BOB: No! I don't know how I ended up here in this room with you. Did you drug the tea and bring me here while I was unconscious?
FLASHHEART (smiling): Guilty as charged. But you'll have a good time here. Just wait and see. You'll thank me for it afterward.
BOB: I don't think so. You have no idea what you've just done.
FLASHHEART: You talk in riddles. Less talk and more action.
Flashheart grabs hold of Bob by the arms, picks him up and carries him toward the bed. Bob struggles in vain to break free. Flashheart tosses the boy onto the bed, then pounces on him. He covers Bob's mouth with his and kisses him passionately, probing the boy's mouth with his tongue. Flashhheart lifts the dress up and pulls down Bob's stockings and undergarments. Bob can feel the man's hands running along his thighs. Any second now Flashheart will know that Bob is not a girl.
FLASHHEART: Oh, my GOD!!!!
BOB: I told you that you had no idea what you've done.
Flashheart stares at Bob.
FLASHHEART: I can't believe I touched you there! And I kissed you, too!
BOB: Actually, you're not a bad kisser. I'd rate you an eight, on a scale of one to ten.
FLASHHEART: You're not a girl! What the hell are you doing dressed like that?! Hey, what do you mean, you'd rate me as only an eight?! I'm a damn great kisser! I'm a ten, got that?! A ten!
BOB: Fine. You're a ten. Happy now?
Flashheart glares at the boy.
FLASHHEART: I don't what I'm going to do now. Was this some sick plan of yours to humiliate me? Tell everyone that I almost shagged a boy? I have a reputation, you know!
BOB: You're a fine one to talk! I was minding my own business, enjoying a cup of tea in that pie shop. It wasn't my idea for you to drug me and bring me here against my will!
FLASHHEART (angrily): Why the disguise? Why are you pretending to be a girl? Answer me!
BOB: It's personal and none of your business! Now just unlock the door and let me leave!
FLASHHEART: No! You made it my business by deceiving me! Now tell me!
Flashheart grabs Bob by the throat and starts to choke him.
Bob is very scared now. He nods to indicate he'll talk. Flashheart releases his grip on the boy's throat.
BOB (coughs): It's the man with whom I'm involved. We made love for the first time last night. This morning a woman from his past showed up at the door. He chose to spend the day with her instead of telling her he's now involved with me, so I told him he couldn't have both of us, and that he'd have to make his choice and tell me his decision when I return home tonight. Oh, God. It's late. He's probably thinking I've left him for good, so he'll take solace in that woman's arms and forget all about me. (cries)
FLASHHEART: That still doesn't explain the dress.
BOB: I was taking a walk to clear my head and stopped to admire this dress in the window of a boutique. Then I got the idea to wear it for him in hopes of winning him back from that woman. Stupid idea, now that I think about it.
FLASHHEART: Actually, it's very becoming on you. That shade of blue really brings out your eyes and goes well with your skin tone and hair color.
BOB: Thank you.
FLASHHEART: This is embarrassing. I don't even know your name. Don't think I ever asked you.
BOB: It's Bob.
FLASHHEART: What would you have said your name was if I still thought you were a girl?
BOB: I don't know. Maybe Kate.
FLASHHEART: Kate. Good name for a girl.
BOB: My other clothes. Oh, my gosh. I left my other clothes in a bag under the table where I was having tea at Mrs. Miggins's Pie Shop.
FLASHHEART: Other clothes? Girl clothes or boy clothes?
BOB: Boy clothes. The outfit I was wearing before I bought this dress.
FLASHHEART: The pie shop might still be open. Let's go get your bag of clothes.
BOB: You're letting me leave? You're not going to hurt me?
FLASHHEART: Yes, I'm going to let you leave. And I'm not going to hurt you. Just don't go telling anyone that I almost shagged a boy.
BOB: Thank you. And I won't breathe a word about this to anyone.
FLASHHEART: Give me a few minutes to get dressed and we'll head back to the pie shop.
Meanwhile back at Blackadder's home:
SCENE: Blackadder's bedroom. Lady Jane and Blackadder are lying in bed together, both completely spent.
LADY JANE: You always knew how to satisfy me, Edmund. No one else can do it like you. You're marvelous.
BLACKADDER: I could say the same about you, Jane.
LADY JANE: Now how about telling me the whole story about your live-in chum Bob. Is he a current love-interest of yours?
BLACKADDER: Why, Jane. How could you ever think such a thing? He used to be my manservant, but we became friends, so it didn't seem appropriate for me to have him working for me. He has no other place to stay, so I invited him to live here. It's all perfectly innocent.
LADY JANE: Hmmmm. There's just something about the way he looked at you. Maybe he's hoping something more will come of this living arrangement between the two of you.
BLACKADDER: Nonsense. He's a pleasant lad, very good company. Nothing more. Now give me a kiss.
LADY JANE: A kiss to get me to stop asking about Bob? Very well.
She kisses him.
LADY JANE: It's all perfectly innocent. Right, Edmund. If you say so. So this blond hair in your bed which looks nothing like your hair or my hair is just a mystery, right? (shows him a strand of blond hair she found in the bed)
She smiles and puts her arm across his chest. Then she closes her eyes and cuddles next to him.
Blackadder sighs and stares at the ceiling.
SCENE: Mrs. Miggins's Pie Shop. It is still open. Flashheart and Bob are able to retrieve the bag of clothes.
MRS. MIGGINS: Here you go, dearie. (hands Bob the bag of clothes)
BOB: Thank you, Mrs. Miggins. Careless of me to leave this behind, I know.
MRS. MIGGINS: Well, from what I saw, you were in no condition to remember anything. (looks at Flashheart)
FLASHHEART: Right. I should have grabbed the bag when I carried you out of here earlier.
MRS. MIGGINS: What did you say your name is, dearie?
BOB: I didn't. But if you must know, you can call me Kate.
MRS. MIGGINS: Nice to meet you, Kate.
FLASHHEART: Come along now, Kate. I'll see you safely home. Good night, Mrs. Miggins.
BOB: Good night, Mrs. Miggins.
MRS. MIGGINS: Good night, you two.
She locks up the shop and turns the sign to read "CLOSED".
BOB: You can go about your business now, Flashheart. I can see my way home by myself.
FLASHHEART: I won't hear of it. A young woman walking the streets alone? I could never forgive myself if anything should happen to you. I'll escort you home. Now where is home?
BOB: This way.
Twenty minutes later they reach the outside of Blackadder's home. The sign on the mailbox reads, "Lord E. Blackadder".
FLASHHEART (staring at the name on the mailbox): I don't believe this! You live with Edmund Blackadder? He's the man with whom you're involved? The man with whom you made love for the first time last night?
BOB: Yes. But please keep it a secret! I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone! That's why I didn't want you to escort me home. Now you know, and he'd be very upset and angry with me if he knew you found out because of me.
FLASHHEART: Eddie and I are old school friends. So, he's taken you in as his live-in chum, eh? This is absolutely delicious!
BOB: Flashheart, please! I beg of you not to let on that you know this!
FLASHHEART: Hmm. Tell you what, Bob. Maybe I can help you here. Tell me about this woman from Eddie's past. The one who showed up this morning and spent the day with Edmund.
BOB: What's to tell? Her name is Lady Jane Pottle and she's known Edmund for a few years off and on. I wish she hadn't appeared on his doorstep today. Why can't she find someone else to shag? Edmund is mine!
FLASHHEART: Now, now. She could very well say the same about you coming between her and Edmund. After all, she knew him before you ever came into his life, right?
BOB: Flashheart, I'm afraid. What if he's chosen her over me? What if he tells me to leave and never return? I still love him. (voice chokes up and is about to cry)
FLASHHEART (puts his arm around Bob's shoulder and gives him a reassuring hug): That's where I think I might be able to help you. This could be fun. Here's the plan.
Flashheart whispers into Bob's ear, and Bob nods.
SCENE: Blackadder's bedroom. Lady Jane and Blackadder are asleep. There is a knock on the door.
BLACKADDER: Go away.
Baldrick opens the door. He is carrying a lamp and wearing a night cap. He pops his head round the door.
BALDRICK: My lord, there are some people at the door to see you.
BLACKADDER: Oh, God. What time is it?
BALDRICK: Nine thirty.
BLACKADDER: Who on earth is paying me a visit now?
BALDRICK: Well one of them looks familiar, but I can't recall where I've seen her before.
BALDRICK: A young woman and a man.
BLACKADDER: Very well. I'll be down in a moment. Let me get my robe.
LADY JANE (waking up): I'll go with you.
BLACKADDER: No need, my dear. You get your rest.
LADY JANE: No, I insist. (gets out of bed and puts on her robe)
BLACKADDER: There's no stopping you from having your way, is there, Jane?
LADY JANE: Never. Especially when it comes to having my way with you, darling! (gives him a pat on his rump)
She laughs and they head downstairs following Baldrick. There waiting for them are Flashheart and Bob still dressed as a girl. Blackadder and Jane both instantly recognize Bob and are surprised to see him wearing a dress and looking very much like an attractive girl.
FLASHHEART: Eddie! My old school friend! My galleon docked this morning and I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't pay a visit to my dear chum! How are you?
BLACKADDER: Fine, thank you. Flashheart, you're looking very well. Uh, this is Lady Jane Pottle who's visiting me. Jane, this is Lord Flashheart.
LADY JANE: How do you do, Lord Flashheart?
FLASHHEART: I DOOOOO it very well! (thrusts his hips forward suggestively) WOOF! WOOF!
BLACKADDER (looking at Bob): Flash, who is your lovely friend here?
FLASHHEART: I'm so glad you asked, Eddie. This is Kate. I met her at Mrs. Miggins's Pie Shop earlier today and she's stolen my heart! What a delightful girl! (puts his arm around Bob's waist and hugs him close) Kate, this is Lord Edmund Blackadder.
BOB: How do you do, Lord Blackadder?
BLACKADDER (peering closely at Bob): Kate, the resemblance between you and a boy I know is remarkably uncanny! Your voice even sounds like his!
LADY JANE: I agree, Edmund. Kate, are you sure we haven't met before?
Bob just smiles demurely.
BLACKADDER: Well, let's all go sit down, shall we? Baldrick, please bring us some tea.
BALDRICK: Yes, my lord.
They gather round the table and sit down. Baldrick leaves to go make tea.
Blackadder looks directly at Bob.
BLACKADDER: So, Kate. You and Flash. Who'd have thought?
BOB: My lord?
Flashheart gently takes Bob's right hand and kisses it.
BLACKADDER: Just how well do you two know each other?
FLASHHEART: Well enough to know that Kate is everything I could want in a woman.
Lady Jane chokes as she stifles a laugh. Blackadder gives her a soft kick on her leg.
BOB: Are you all right, Lady Jane? Do you need some water?
LADY JANE: Oh, no, thank you, Kate. I'm fine.
FLASHHEART: Would you ladies please excuse Edmund and me for a few minutes? I need to speak with him about something. Just manly stuff, nothing you'd find interesting. We'll be right back. Edmund? (motions for Blackadder to follow him)
BLACKADDER: All right, Flash. Excuse us, Jane. Kate.
The men step outside.
Lady Jane watches the men leave the room and turns to Bob and smiles. There is an awkward silence between them.
SCENE: Outside Blackadder's home.
BLACKADDER: What's this about, Flash?
FLASHHEART: You know how I am with the birds, right, Eddie? Can't have enough of them.
BLACKADDER: Right. Love 'em and leave 'em Flash. That's you.
FLASHHEART: I'd never thought I'd see the day when I'd meet the one woman who could make me want to settle down, get married and forsake all other birds. Eddie, I've finally found her. Kate's the one for me. I'm going to ask her to marry me. And if she says yes, I want you to be my best man at the wedding.
BLACKADDER (shocked): Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly? You're going to propose to Kate?
FLASHHEART: Yes. Will you be my best man?
BLACKADDER: I can't believe this. Flash, you can't be serious! This is just one big jape you're pulling on me, right?
FLASHHEART: Eddie, I've never been more serious before in my life. Just to drive home the point even further, let me tell you this. Kate means so much to me that I haven't even tried to seduce her. I want to wait until our wedding night before making love to her. Now when's the last time you ever thought you'd hear me say that?
Blackadder is stunned. He stares at Flashheart.
BLACKADDER: Flash, listen to yourself. You only met Kate today at Mrs. Miggins's Pie Shop, and tonight you're ready to ask her to marry you? That's crazy!
FLASHHEART: No, Eddie. What's crazy would be for me to let her slip away from me. And you still haven't told me yet if you'll agree to be my best man. That's the first thought that came to me after I knew I was going to propose to Kate. That I must have my dearest school chum Eddie as my best man! After all those good times we shared during our academic years, how could it be anyone else but you?
BLACKADDER: Flash, I'm touched. Of course I'll be your best man. Wait a second, this is preposterous! There isn't going to be any wedding! Flash, snap out of it! Come to your senses! You can't marry Kate!
FLASHHEART: Why not? Don't tell me you want her for yourself?
BLACKADDER: It's not that! Kate's not Kate!
FLASHHEART: What nonsense are you spouting, Eddie?
BLACKADDER: Kate's a boy! Kate's really Bob! You can't marry Bob!
FLASHHEART: Bob? Who's Bob? You've gone crackers, haven't you, Eddie?
BLACKADDER: Aarrgghh! I see there's only one way to convince you! Come inside!
He grabs Flash by the arm and leads him back inside the house.
SCENE: Inside Blackadder's home. Lady Jane and Bob are still sitting quietly and not speaking to each other. They are doing their best to avoid looking at each other, too. Baldrick is serving the tea. The door opens and Blackadder returns with Flashheart.
BLACKADDER: Kate, or whoever it is you're calling yourself now. It's time to tell the truth. I know you'd like to continue this masquerade of yours, but I can't stand by and allow my friend Flashheart to make the biggest mistake of his life. Tell everyone here who you really are.
Bob doesn't say anything. He stares in disbelief at Blackadder and turns to look at Flashheart who shrugs and gives a puzzled look.
LADY JANE: Edmund, perhaps this isn't the right time.
BLACKADDER: Stay out of this, Jane. It doesn't concern you. Well, Kate? Oh, damn, I refuse to play along with your little game. Bob. Your name is Bob. Tell Flashheart who you really are!
BALDRICK: She's Bob? I was wondering where he went. Haven't seen him since this morning. Bob, you look great in that dress. Good color on you.
FLASHHEART: That's what I told her. Brings out the blue in her eyes and is goes well with her skin tone and hair color.
BLACKADDER: Not HER! HIM! Kate is really a boy named BOB!
FLASHHEART (feigning shock): No! Kate, tell me it's not true!
BLACKADDER: Still not talking, eh, Bob? Fine. You leave me no choice.
Blackadder grabs hold of Bob, pulls him up to his feet, lifts up the bottom portion of the dress and pulls down Bob's stockings and undergarments, thus revealing the truth to everyone in the room. There are loud gasps of astonishment from Baldrick, Lady Jane and Flashheart, but all for different reasons.
Baldrick gasps in genuine surprise.
Lady Jane gasps because she can't believe Blackadder would really expose Bob in front of everyone.
Flashheart gasps to play along with the masquerade.
BLACKADDER: There. See, Flash? You can't marry Bob.
BOB (staring coldly at Blackadder): How could you, Edmund? (pulls back up the undergarments and stockings and lowers the dress)
BLACKADDER: How could you try to deceive my friend Flash? And where did you get that dress?
BOB: I bought it this morning because I wanted to wear it for you in hopes of winning you back from Lady Jane. Spent a few hours over at Mrs. Miggins's Pie Shop where I met Flash. (looks at Lady Jane) Edmund, it appears you've made your choice as to who you want. Don't worry. I won't be a problem to you. I'll pack my things and be out of here first thing in the morning.
BLACKADDER: And just where will you go? Back to your father to live in squalor and poverty?
BOB: I don't know, Edmund. But you needn't concern yourself.
FLASHHEART: Bob, come with me. Join me in my adventures at sea aboard my galleon.
FLASHHEART: I can see a lot of potential in you, Bob. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. There's no rush to find your one true love. Meanwhile come with me and live the life of an adventurer! I'll teach you how to defend yourself, how to fight with a sword, and how to sail. It'll do you good to get away from here.
BOB: Lord Flashheart, do you really mean it? You'll be my mentor?
FLASHHEART: I wouldn't say it if I didn't really mean it.
BOB: Very well. I'm going to take you up on that offer. Edmund, I'll leave right now instead of morning. I'm going to pack my things and be on my way. (leaves the room to pack)
BLACKADDER: Bob! You can't be serious! (turns to the others in the room) What you're about to hear goes no further than these four walls, got it?!
LADY JANE, BALDRICK AND FLASHHEART: Got it.
BLACKADDER: Bob, just last night you told me you loved me. I still love you. You belong here with me. Please stay. I don't want to lose you.
BOB: Edmund, you're not one for an exclusive relationship. I'm not going to try to change you. So I'm leaving and allowing you to get on with your life with Lady Jane and whoever else catches your fancy.
Bob embraces Blackadder and kisses him gently on the lips.
BOB: I love you, Edmund. I always will. That's why I'm leaving so as not to be a problem to you. Good-bye.
Bob finishes packing and turns to face Blackadder, Baldrick and Lady Jane. Flashheart stands beside Bob.
BOB: Take good care of Edmund, Lady Jane.
LADY JANE: Don't worry. I will. Good-bye, Bob.
BALDRICK: Good-bye, Bob.
BLACKADDER: Bob, are you sure you want to do this?
BOB: Yes. It's best for everyone concerned.
BLACKADDER: Then good-bye. Be safe.
BOB: You too, Edmund.
FLASHHEART: Good-bye, everybody.
BLACKADDER, LADY JANE AND BALDRICK: Good-bye.
Bob and Flashheart leave.
Blackadder sits down.
BLACKADDER: I can't believe he left. Just like that. I didn't think he'd really do it.
Lady Jane puts her arms around his shoulders and comforts him. Baldrick sits and pats Blackadder's arm to offer his comfort to his master.
Over the next two years Bob learns much from Flashheart. The protege of the adventurer has blossomed from a lovesick angst-filled young boy into a self-confident and able-bodied sailor who has mastered swordplay and self-defense. He keeps the blue dress to wear occasionally during those times when Flashheart's galleon would dock. Bob would go into town dressed as a girl to entrap would-be attackers of women. Bob finds pleasure in surprising and kicking the asses of those who would prey on helpless women. Ironically one time he even saves Lady Jane from being attacked by a pair of hoodlums. Before Lady Jane can thank her rescuer, Bob flees into the night, not wishing to be recognized. He does not wish to be reminded of the pain he experienced from giving up Edmund.
News spreads of the mysterious defender of the weak who vanishes as quickly as he appears in the night. Eventually Blackadder hears of it, but he has no idea it is his former lover Bob who is the mysterious defender of the night, and Bob wishes to keep it that way.
SCENE: A few years later aboard Flashheart's galleon somewhere on the ocean. Bob is looking out at the water. Flashheart approaches him with a somber look on his face. He puts his hand on Bob's shoulder and shows him a document he received a little while ago. Bob reads it and stares at it in disbelief.
BOB: All of them? Dead?
FLASHHEART: I'm afraid so. My sources are never mistaken. I just wish in this case they could have been wrong.
BOB: Edmund! (cries)
FLASHHEART: At least you know he loved you, and he knew you loved him.
Flashheart hugs Bob and comforts him. Bob sobs as the reality sinks in about the deaths of Edmund, Baldrick, Percy, Melchett, Nursie and Queenie who were all found with their throats slit in the queen's court